2 Inches Of Fury

Something Worth Reading.

Carters Retro Reviews - Black Belt / Sega Master System

New review. I tried something new - I am reviewing a Sega Master System game! :O

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Deathwish? FUCK YEAH!

I’m not a big fan of coffee. I’m more of a bourbon drinker. You have something that perks you up in the morning and I have mine. I also enjoy any type of consumable that says, “Throw caution to the wind and try some of this…”. Maybe not Fugu Fish where I could die from one tiny bit if cut incorrectly, but something says, “Hey you. Yeah, you. Have some of this. I am going to fuck your shit and make you completely unproductive.
Make you high? Sure.
Make you shit so hard you will devastate the porcelain bowl beyond a fix? Yep.
Make you cry tears of blood? Why not?
Make your next pee burn so bad, you’ll think a testicle collapsed and you’re peeing it out in shards? Absolutely.
Lactate milk? Yes, sir.”

Well ladies and gentlemen…feast your eyes on this:

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I’m All For a Good Story

I was reading this story inbetween the frequent and almost vicious masturbating sessions I have while everyone is asleep about a man 61 year old man called Cliff who won Australia’s 875KM endurance race one year. I don’t have any controversial thoughts or biting commentary on this story. Just thought it would be a nice change from all the poop jokes videos about random shit I think you should all watch. Here, have a read of this.
You’re welcome.

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Mike Judge

I like Mike Judge. Well, I don’t know that for a fact but I do love what he creates - Office Space, Beavis and Butthead, King of the Hill…that movie with that…that guy who is the brother of Owen Wilson. Uh…Luke Wilson? Yeah, the one without the fucked nose but no stage presence or memorable performances except maybe Old School? Wait. Was he in that? I think so. And that promising premise but ultimately abysmal failure My Super Ex-Girlfriend. He was in that too I think. Look at you Luke, you cocky prick. You’ve turned this homage to Mike Judge all about you now because your bland acting and unengaging EVERYTHING you do. I mean, Mike Judge has had a dud or two but a rare miss is far forgiveable than the mundane bullshit you throw at everyone like monkeys throw their poop.

Looking back on the last paragraph, I am still a little confused on how I went from amazing Mike Judge to poop. I’d bet my left nut it probably has something to do with that ever-dull Luke Wilson. It’s the only possibly proxy.

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G+ / Facebook

I posted this on G+ earlier but since only 2 people would get to see this, I am just gunna re-post it here.

I am on G+. Why? I had this discussion with DMac today. I said I didn’t like Facebook. His argument was all like, “You only hate Facebook because it’s Facebook. If they re-branded it and gave it to you, you would eat it up.” I gave it some serious thought. He has a point in a way because I’ve never owned an account so I wouldn’t know what it is like, right? But at the same time, I must have seen what it was like at some point in time to form an opinion in the first place.
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So there was this project on kickstarter that is actually worth a pinch of shit. And that is a console which is not bound by licences and all other sorts of political bullshit called OUYA. I’d hope it is an acronym for something because it is a fucking shit name for a console. I hope that is the first and last mistake this console makes.

Everything they spout here looks ideal - you can develop for it, you can root/hack it, it’s cheap…it is everything we’ve always wanted. Well, it’s everything I’ve always wanted. They’re looking for some 1st party games to help get this project off the ground. They were shooting for $950,000 and they ended up with $4.2mil so that should make this project even better.

How I see this going is one of two ways: the console is a HUGE hit and sells just as fucking mental as the raspberry pi did which in turn makes developers make games worth a pinch of shit and something beyond a Phone app which is kind of what it looks like. They will start to develop games worth playing instead of pooping out more generic-as-fuck FPS’ which I am really fucking sick of and perhaps developing really unique games worth my time and effort playing.

OR it’s sells quickly but software support is fucking depressingly poor that we find all of these developers all making the same kind of shit that is already on other consoles? Or making Angry birds, Plants Vs Zombies or Bejewelled clones? Because we all know casual games sell extremely well. The cheap price could reflect the cheap games and the cheap hardware this console will have?

Either way, this could potentially be a huge wake up call and FUCK YOU to other consoles to be more lax with some of their shitty attitudes and opinions. Why would anyone want to outlay $300 for a Microsoft console if a $99 gives you the same sort of games? The problem that I see though is Microsoft and Sony are such big companies that they can afford to buy the best developers and then hog all the resources for their “AAA-rated” games. But what’s a little competition? What is to say that Microsoft and Sony don’t offer the people who are making OUYA boatloads of money to shut the whole operation down? Granted it would be a short-sighted move but who cares? You all have boatloads of money! YEAH!

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Carters Retro Reviews Ringtones. I Shit You Not.

So if anyone pays any attention to my reviews (Carters Retro Reviews), I did this one review where I shouted the phrase, “Bag of dicks” a few times to get the message across. What can I say? I was trying something new. Anyway, Tim got all hardcore and thought it was good enough to turn into ringtones:
Thanks Tim for the ringtones!

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Acid. A dog show. A box.

This guy goes to the Westminster Dog Show on Acid. It’s not like you thought it would but still pretty good.

You can now buy the useless box. All the kids want one:

More fun than a bag of rice.

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