2 Inches Of Fury

Something Worth Reading.

Chemist Warehouse Cops 2 Inches

I don’t know if you have ever seen this but, I was watching SVU last night with my hand down my pants when I saw an ad on TV for Chemist Warehouse.

THAT’S RIGHT! Throw caution to the wind and get YOUR drugs CHEAP! Yes, we found a warehouse that fell right off the back of this truck and it had tablets! TABLETS GALORE! Some pill bottles with mixed tablets! SO CHEAP! Hosting a pharmy party? We have you covered! Need that expensive life-rehabilitating prescription but just don’t have the money? NO WORRIES! We have you covered. We take the ingredients of your medicine and give it our best shot! And we pass those discounts onto you! Need a placebo? Stevo found some pills on the floor of a trucker pitstop. He says they’re fine and they work. I mean we think they’re fine. He’s in a coma. We believe him and so should you! Our store assistants José and Wayno are more than happy to assist you with your needs. Like to take life by the nads and take the gamble? GIVE US A GO! Cash only. No reciepts. Continue to live! OR your money back.

Then I saw this:


Ok, I am not done yet. WHAT THE FUCK does punching meat have to do with selling you medicine? The only thing it tells me is then sheer irony that this guy is off his meds and he needs to really get back on them before making an ad. And the way he punches that meat reflects the type of product he sells: flimsy. Maybe someone just wanted video evidence of some loon beating his meat. Is this guy in the pharmaceutical industry? Or the meat market industry? If you are selling me drugs, I want to see you take a whole bunch of them and continue with your ad with some hilarious side effect like foaming at the mouth, diarrhea or death.

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Wiiturn: Back from the Dead

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Perhaps not as bad you may have read elsewhere. If you ever have bothered to look elsewhere on what this game is like. If you can be bothered to own a Wii. It’s only the highest selling console of all time but as I review more games, it becomes abundantly clear that the only reason it sold well was a market to families and interactive games with a controller that only seems to work half of the time. Still, the layout is nothing like I have seen before. This is both a good thing (originality) and a bad thing (looks kinda ugly). All you have to do is shift the rooms around so you can progress to the next level and while that is pretty simple, they slowly introduce other items making it mostly pretty interesting. You have one way doors, keys, lit candles, etc which add to the complexity of these levels. It’s not boring if you are into puzzle games by any stretch of the imagation but don’t expect to be Woo’ed, either. The interesting layout and the need to beat the level I was on was the only thing keeping me going. It has those 90s visuals of where they record someone doing something and then just insert the live video into a real time game giving you a severely outdated look to the game. Games like Mad Dog McGee arcade games where someone comes out of nowhere, draws his gun and when you shoot him, he falls to the ground in such a lame pre-recorded manner, that every enemy is one of a selection of pre-recorded enemies. Your character is so small that you can’t really make out what he looks like but that doesn’t seem to matter too much. All you want to do is get your guy through the end door. When you finish a tower or hotel, you get a puzzle piece from the treasure chest. You have 4 puzzle pieces to collect in total. Would I come back to this game? Yeah, if I run out of other games and I have’t beaten the game which is hard to do in one sitting (there is 100 levels). The good thing is if you have a spare 20 minutes inbetween whatever, you can attempt a few levels instead of like most games spending that 20 minutes trying to get established before actually playing again. If you are looking at spending money on this title, I would suggest waiting until it can be bought as a budget title and you will get plenty of enjoyment out of it.

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Another game of mini games. They break it up into scenes of a TV report on the news and how they can defeat the baddie of that of that particular level which is ingenious but is ultimately ANOTHER game of mini games. You start with the tutorial at a construction site and told everything about your character. I hate tutorials I can’t skip as I like to find out what it is my character can do by myself in-game and work out the finer details later when I get stuck. It uses the WiiRemote to aim and shoot at various items like health-ups along the way and to use one of your moves. The cut scenes and one or two of the games break the monotony. I never saw the movie so walking into this game is not a good start as I don’t know what to expect. Even if you don’t know the characters, it does not seem to hinder the experience at all. This time around, the enemies are a lot harder than previous platform fighting games like Sengoku Basara: Samurai Heroes. It’s not the most exciting game on the Wii but it is also not too bad. The controls work just fine with using a combination of nunchuck and WiiRemote. In a group setting, this is adds only just a bit to the single player mode but you work in one giant team against the baddies in a co-op mode where you can hurt each other (or in battle mode against a friend). Your selection of achievements do not mean shit in this game so the replayability isn’t very good although.

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I don’t like getting fisted. And this game is like getting fisted by the whole cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. They take some hopeless straight guy who can’t get his shit into order and have gay sex with him. I mean, I’ve never actually WATCHED an episode but that is what I think the show is about. The game is a series of mini games. None of them are fun. The controls work every now and again and they feature monkeys. Before I actually played one game, the music was a 5 second audio clip played over and over. It doesn’t sound so bad, but that 5 second sound clip is like the most annoying section of any of the many polkas done by Weird Al. And each section of the shitty looking menu is a different 5 second audio clip - equally as annoying as the last audio clip. The graphics are, at best, average. I played this in terms of how long I felt the need to play - not in minutes. I unlocked 5 games. I stopped there. Turned off the Wii and went upstairs to cry for a little while before I felt confident enough to play another game that I hope doesn’t suck as hard as this game did. The only reason this didn’t get a 1 is there are (believe it or not) worse games on the Wii console. So I want to put everything into perspective or else every game would ultimately be 1, 3 or 5 star games. You can pick 1 of 4 flavourless monkeys and the fact that they are monkeys adds absolutely nothing except tears. The load screens are silence with 4 poorly animated images of a monkey swinging on a tire. Imagine fun because that is as close you are gunna get with this game. The only way this game could be more fun is if they included Spank the Monkey in their next revision.

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Re: if you’re in KBB can you come down and help Bruce Hateley with his remote internet connection please

Forget everything you know.
Leave all of your reservations behind.
Now, watch this:
http://www.newground … m/portal/view/558937

You’re welcome.

P.S. The subject was taken from an autocomplete I got from one of my work emails. And Failfox gets the subject of my entries and the subject of my work emails mixed up. I thought it was funny.

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Pii On My Wii: New Wii Reviews

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Meth isn’t nearly as addictive as this game. I was thinking about taking today off work just so I could get in another 12 hours of this game. There is so much involved in this game that even after 10 or so hours of playing this game I am not sure I still understand the entire mechanics of the game so I will tell you what I know. You’re a deckhand who gets sick of some guys shit. You fuck him up, take all of his stuff and now you’re a captain and you lead off with a small team of pirates to conquer the sea and fuck any other sovereign nation that you’re not apart of. The English are the easiest to play as they have tonnes of wealthy ports that can do plenty of trading and keeping you alive. The greatest thing about this game is the freedom you have to roam around as you like on the condition that you have plenty of food and your pirates are kept happy. I only just figured out the best of doing this is to ensure you have plenty of not just food but a nice even amount of sugar, spice, riches, etc. You are also always in battle with one of four sovereign nation’s - England, Spain, France or the Netherlands so you have to monitor that quite often as your allies can soon turn into enemies. English are the easiest to use as they plenty of wealthy ports around the map, the French being the hardest. The game is made up of mini games but they flow so smoothly that you don’t even realise. When you come across other ships, you can either sink them with your cannons or swordfight for ownership. You will find that same of the games do become repetitive after awhile which is ok because you can give it a break and when you come back to it, you get right back into it. Or you could stick it out and go after different mini games. When you rock up to a port, you can upgrade/fix your ship, get food/spice/sugar, go to the bar to get more info and employ pirates. And if you meet the govenor and he introduces you to his daughter, you can go dancing and she tells you stuff which is pretty important. So there is plenty of enjoyment to be had. There is one or two small things that could be improved: cut scenes could have been a bit more varied, the swordfighting controls could be a bit more accurate and be able to lift the limitation of more than 5 ships in your fleet. I want to have more men, more loot, more food and go out of control. It just gets to a point where you are so good and you have so much food, that you men are happy and you can be out to sea for years without needing to restock for food and that is really as far as you can go. When you have 4 treasure galleon’s at max capacity and war galleon fully decked out, it’s a shame I can’t take over more ships. There is tonnes of achieveables which has to be the first game on Wii I have played to date that I ACTUALLY care about them. There is also a quest that the PC never had which gives it depth in an already busy game. The amount of fun is plentiful and with one or two changes, this could have been a perfect game.

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Puzzle game where balls go down a predetermined path and if they get to the end, you’re fucked. To get rid of them, line up a colour combo. Now that the formalities are out of the way, this is an awesome game. Visually it is impressive for a puzzle game. When you do a colour combo, it throws these power-ups which allows you to destroy these balls. There are achievements and unlockables (for those that actually give a shit about this sort of stuff) but the levels are in abundance with bonus levels to split up the monotony. You can use Free Play to revisit any level unlocked in Adventure. And coins (which rain down from colour combos) can be spent to upgrade your power-ups and purchase new cannons. Apart from that, there isn’t a lot extra to comment on except every now and again if you do not point the remote directly at the sensor bar, it veers off to the right hand side.

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Imagine a second rate crazy taxi. Wait, no. Third rate. Erm, maybe not that good. More like fourth rate. I have played this game for an hour. I am not getting that hour back. FUCK YOU EMERGENCY MAYHEM. Everything is based on time and instead of picking people up, you do mini games. But these mini games are not the quality well-thought out mini games like you would expect from say, the Mario Party series. The very first mini game was cut the right wire (like a bomb from a TV series) and the wires are pretty obvious which one to cut. But you have three different types of mini game depending on what kind of car you have: an ambulance, a fire truck, and a police car. Police car and fire truck are both a whole pile of average. The ambulance games CAN SUCK SHIT OUT OF MY ARSEHOLE. That is how I feel about these fiddley fucking shitty mini games. There was this one game where someone gets something stuck in their body (a bullet? or a nail?) and you use a magnet to get it out. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING HEALTH SERVICE ARE YOU RUNNING?
“Welcome to dodgy Pete’s backyard surgeries. I got this magnet to get out that bullet in your body. Hope you don’t have any fillings in your teeth that are sitting loosely or else you could lose them, too. I double as a dentist when I am not using magnets to fix ailments.”
The one thing I noticed is that you can play 3 or 4 mini games and they are all a piece of piss. And then you get 2 REALLY HARD mini games. And then you get another 2 easy mini games. And then it gets out of control again. WHAT THE FUCK? If this was a game where you went around and actually drove dumb pedestrians (which you can for a brief period before you run out of time) for hours at a time, then you might start to add an extra star or two onto this score.
Oh, and multiplayer doesn’t add shit. It still sucks. It just means you’re dragging someone else through the same shit as you’re experiencing.

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Latest Web Games

I won’t bother with an introduction.
Here are a slew of online games to kill some time:
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Carrot Track
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Desert Moon
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Zombie Bites
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Retro Mash
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Red Riot
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Spikes Tend to Kill You
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Survivorsaur

Tasty Static is a game that looks like an old school game called Sky Roads which was an awesome game for its time.
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Also, they are showing all the Sundance Film Festival films on youtube. You will find them here, at the Youtube Screening Room.

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Suckers

iPhones are a mediocre product well marketed as more than just a phone when ultimately it is an mp3 player with half-arsed phone abilities. I found out that France adds another tax on all Apple products which means if you are a trendy motherfucker who just buys the iPhone because you’re a brainless zombie that is following trends, then the government is going to take advantage of you. Woo.
It also turns out that iPhone users are the most vulnerable to phising attacks over any other mobile device owner. Not surprising. If you own an iPhone, there is a good chance you don’t know much about technology. You want a simple device that has cute apps, acts like a phone and plays mp3s. If you are tech-savvy and you still own an iPhone, then you’re a sucker or an incredibly uninformed tech-savvy user.
I wanted to know what were the top apps for the iPhone. Well, I found them. Angry Birds at #1 is not surprising. Although what I don’t understand is this game is not the first of its kind. In fact, there have been many games like it before it came out. So, what makes it sell so well? This video explains it. And if it doesn’t, it’s probably going to make you only more confused on the subject:

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im a gud speler

Ya know how I said for every good video, there is a million bad videos and then posted a bad video?
I am a stickler for spelling and punctuation. If I mash the keyboard and it doesn’t make a word, ah fuck it. That’ll do. That’s how it feels when I speak to people on the Internet.
wen i pee my pantz it fels gud and worm
Anyway, I am not alone in the world on feeling like this so I can write entries like this without coming across as a half-baked weirdo. Because let’s face it, I’m a full-blown weirdo. I don’t do things by halves.

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Fuck Youtube

Man, I love youtube.
You start watching a video on a day you choose not to do any work…then BLAMMO! Time to go home. 8 hours. Done. A day well spent.
My problem is that for every great video you have just seen, the ratio of shit videos is astronomically high. I am talking 10,000,000 to 1.
Shit like this:


How original. What a waste of hard drive space.

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