2 Inches Of Fury

Something Worth Reading.

Beating My Wii To a Stump

GP Classic Racing 1_5stars.gif
If I didn’t have to break to 20KM or 20 mile an hour around a corner in any car I choose, this might have faired better. It feels like you have to fucking break a KM back before the corner. Just another FUCKING GAME with shitty controls. Why Wii games? WHY?!!? So I am going really fast and I just want to make a slight turn to the left or right. So, that is what I do with the controls. And it seems alright until I fucking careen out of control head first into a wall. I try it again. Same thing. So if I have to make any movement from straight, I have to apply to the breaks. Man, driving isn’t that shitty in real life. Why make it so in this game?
If you ignore that fact, what I need you to do is think of something exciting. Got it? Well, this is not that. It’s the opposite. Ya know, classic doesn’t mean boring. If I paid money for this piece of shit, I would have gone back to EB, told them to eat a dick for selling me this game and then ask for my money back. No, demand my money back. So many man hours wasted on this.

Kawasaki Snowmobiles 1_5stars.gif
I turn left and I slide. And not some kind of controlled slide I can safely recover from. If I broke and took the corner, I still slide all over the place. Like the course is lined with black ice. The sort of slide that you then have to jerk the control the absolute other way. Then, I start sliding the other way, and so I jerk the controls back the other and I end up spending all race trying to adapt to these shitty controls. So, I crack the shits and find a better game. Take a breather. Play something more fun. Because ultimately, that is all I wanna do, right? Play a game because it is fun? This game is designed as an arcade-style game without the controls to really back the feel of the game.
Several hours later, I come back to this game because I don’t want to instantly dismiss it from a furious outburst (which I am prone to every now and again when things don’t go my way). That and I am fucking dumb. I mean, not as stupid as my next door neighbour but that guy can eat a dick laced with Arsenic and die a slow and painful death but that is another entry. I’ve done this several times for several different games because I thought it was my shitty playing that renders these games a lot harder than they need to be.
WHAT THE FUCK YOU PIECE OF SHIT!! Sliding all over the fucking screen again. I did some troubleshooting ignoring that it could be the game that sucks shit out of my arsehole. I sat closer to the screen, I used a different control, I sat to the left, I sat to the right of my TV. I did some more practicing which I did get better at but the bottom line is this still fucking sucks.

Hannah Montana 1_5stars.gif
I didn’t give it a low score because it was Hannah Montana. I understand that it is already it is behind the eight ball. I had to play this on a Saturday night without my wife or friends around because you can not even joke about this shit.
“Hey guys, haha, look at this…best, game, ever. Lets play it! It’ll be a blast!”
The sound of almost dead silence with the exception of crickets outside as no one laughed and a single cough. You can actually lose friends if you’re not a 10 year old girl playing this game.
So, OK this is not the right demographic. But, I wanted to see how it plays out and what kind of game I am really dealing with here.
You can walk between her dressing room, her practice room, shopping in which ever city you are performing at and the stage. You have a set of actions you have to do during a song and each level is a different song on a different stage. I can do wanky air guitar strums or point and click at the screen or point the controller up, down, left or right. There’s probably more to it but the wife came down to see what I was doing and I turned it off before she knew. I couldn’t live with that kind of shame.

Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers 3_stars.gif
I am writing another entry about how people buy endless shitty first person shooters that are just like all the other games before it. That sort of mentality is why you would be interested in this game: mindless violence. It is fun to begin with. It’s easy to pick up and the moves make sense which are awesome. You move using the Nunchuck. And you slice through zombies with spurts of blood with the Wii controller. Too many Wii games with wanky controls and this isn’t one of them although, I can’t feel but help the moving of your sword like you move your Wii controller is merely a novelty which gives you a case of wankers cramp after playing awhile.
The story is the most half arsed story I have played in a game for ages, that seems to be translated from Japanese poorly.

There was a girl. She had some bad blood. What will it do? What are those echos?

Except not that good. And more drawn out.
I tried to get into the story, but I chose the chick in the Blue Dress. And after every level, it tells you more of the story. Which was actually the exact same thing she said the level before: she can’t control the baneful blood and she doesn’t know what is going to happen. Neither do we. She becomes insane at the end but by that stage, you don’t really care. Having said that with all of its flaws, I’d go back and play it (not on a regular basis) but there will have to be improvements if you want me to play any sort of a sequel.

EA Playground 2_5stars.gif
This has plenty of mini games that are more or less OK. One or two games were pretty exciting but not enough for you to rush out and buy this game (unless it was from a bargain bin). Graphics are nothing special. The idea of walking around a playground and talking to kids and playing games with kids is slightly unsettling if you’re not a pedo (or a child). Alright, so the demographic is not really apt for me. But, even if you’re young (I’d be asking the question what are you doing on my site to begin with but anyway), there are plenty of other alternatives. This is one of those multi-player/party games. Still, there are better games.

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Beating My Wii

I have been going gang busters with Wii games as of late.
Here is the basic run down of them all (more of a reference for myself but I am sure you will benefit out of it if you own a Wii):
Game Party 2_stars.gif
This game would actually be cool if the controls were a lot less gimpy. An example is one of the games in this pack is one of those arcade basketball games where you have a hoop in an enclosed cage and you get the ball in the hoop. Hold down A and throw the controller like it is the basketball. Ok, I did that. I kept throwing and wasn’t getting a single ball in. I thought ok, “Must be because I am crap at this game…” and tried it many more times. On different angles, trying different methods to getting this fucking ball in the fucking hoop. I even stood directly in front of the sensor aimed it and threw it perfectly straight. And I would have got it in. Ya know, if I threw harder. So I tried throwing harder and it just bounces off the backboard and heads right for you. Darts is ok but the other games are actually worse with the controlling of the games. A prime example is the air hockey table. Never in my life have I been baffled by such a simple fucking game being made so hard to play with such shitty controls. It is on a horizontal camera angle and you point at the screen, go up and down and then hit the puck out. Which seems fine on paper but the execution is fucking piss poor. Sometimes he will move up and down and then all of sudden stop responding.
G1 Jockey 2_stars.gif
I just wanna race a fucking horse. I don’t want to sit there for 20-30 mins reading the mundane story of this jockey’s life and how he wanted to be the champion. I mean, what other choice do you have? You don’t play a horse racing game to find out the jockey’s dream was to place anywhere between second to last.
“Ah, I always wanted to come second and quietly bask in the glory that is second place to a far better Jockey than myself…”
I am all good for a story line when it isn’t so hackneyed, so mundane and just shit overall.
And then you can sit there and fuck around with handicaps and pimping your Jockey. By this stage I was so annoyed at the lack of actual racing that when it came to, I was thinking, “This better be the best horse racing game I have ever played…”
I might have been less annoyed if I came first, first go. But I came last. That’s no reflection on how poor this game is. But it didn’t help my opinion of this game.
Call of Duty Modern Warfare: Reflex Edition 2_5stars.gif
While this may be a good game on other consoles, it does not do it justice on the Wii. Again, shitty controls. I lose my patience pretty fucking quick and after playing it for an hour, I lost all patience. I point at the screen which works intermittently. And then if I want to move quickly, it doesn’t seem to respond as quick as I want it to. If I could be bothered to get used to the controllers, this could very well be the 8 or 8.5 it scored at gamespot but I have plenty of other games to play and I don’t really give shit about all these Doom-clone first person shooters. With the exception of the originals (Wolf3D, Doom 1&2, Duke Nukem 3D) and similar-styled games (Vitrua Cop, House of the Dead Series).
Facebreaker: KO Party 3_stars.gif
Very stylish and it has a pretty good soundtrack. My only downside to this game is how fucking incredibly hard it is right from the get go. The learning curve is not big and you get tips on how to improve your game. But after playing it for an hour today, I still had not been able to finish the first guy. I am a crap game player, but I am not that crap. I tried choosing different opponents, I tried choosing different characters to play with. Must have played 10 games. Not won a single fucking one. I know people worse than I and if I have trouble playing it, they have no chance. The controllers are quite suitable for the game (in pretty much the same way it is on the boxing game in Wii Sports).
Punch Out 4_stars.gif
I loved the SNES version of this game. It was my favourite game on the SNES by far. I would eat Bear Hugger for breakfast, shit out Piston Hurricane and consume Masked Muscle for dessert. The update is much welcomed (and a long time coming) but this has a different feel to it. The difficulty though goes from easy to hard really quickly and talk about being pedantic and fucking touchy with the game play. If you don’t duck at the right time, the computer will fuck your shit. There is absolutely no room for error. The SNES version was far more forgiving and obtaining super punches in the SNES version was easier without being too much of a hindrance on the game by making it too easy. In the Wii version, you have to be ridiculous on accuracy with your punches to get stars which gets frustrating further on. The new version also has multi-player which has also been done well.
Pinball Hall of Fame: Gottlieb Collection 4_5stars.gif
I actually like this game. A lot. The camera angles are smooth and the gameplay is as good you can possibly want from a pinball game. The controls are a little novelty but still serve a function and do not take away from the game. One thing I forgot to mention is you start out with about 5 tables as you play them and get slightly better with each play, you get credits to play other tables. It’s frustrating when the ball goes down the side alley and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it but that is just half the challenge. Also with each table, you are given goals to achieve. So if you do what I did and completely ignored the instructions (c’mon, it’s Pinball…how hard can it be? Just keep the ball on the table, right?), then you are in for a rude shock when you don’t seem to be progressing further forward as quickly as you would like.
House the Dead: Overkill 5_stars.gif
This is one of the first games I played on the Wii and it is still my favourite game for the Wii. It is everything you could expect with an update in the graphics department. You can play multi player or play by yourself with two guns which is pretty good. The section of the game plays out like an episode of a Grindhouse film.
Tatsunoko Vs Capcom 4_stars.gif
It’s another fighting game along the lines of Streetfighter and Marvel Vs Capcom. I haven’t even heard of most of these characters but the ones they choose from Capcom’s side seem slightly shitty. Ryu is there but the one character who seems far stronger than just about every other character is Chun-Li. She is the Eddie Gordo of this game. Tatsunoko characters (for the most part) require a bit more skill than random button bashing to kick some arse. My biggest complaint is this game takes about 20 minutes (literally) to beat. And the end boss is no challenge at all even though you have to go three rounds in succession to beat him. The gameplay and graphics are pretty good considering with a Wii controller you only have one button for punch and one button for kick which greatly limits your ability to do combos. Still highly enjoyable and tonnes of fun.
Tetris Party Deluxe 4_5stars.gif
This is ultimately www.tetrisfriends.com for the Wii. We have found in spots the controller becomes unresponsive on an almost rare occasion but apart from that small niggle, this is ultimately a good game with TONNES of different modes to choose from. The graphics are good, it’s designed for a group setting but doesn’t make you feel like a total loser when you play it by yourself and it has a neat addition of having items you can use against your enemy (much like in the way you have attack items in the online portion of www.tetrisfriends.com) which has been done well.
The Simpsons Game 1_star.gif
Shitty controls, shitty gameplay, shitty game. Lost interest pretty quickly.
Ghost Squad 3_5stars.gif
Another first person shooter in the vein of House of the Dead: Overkill. But completely different theme and plays differently. Still pretty enjoyable even if it does play a lot tighter with a lot more precision required than HOTD.
Wii Sports 5_stars.gif
Highest selling Wii game of all time and with good reason. I love it. It’s easy to pick up, it’s fun to play and great to play in a group setting. I can barely find fault with it EXCEPT when you play golf, sometimes the controls register back swings as your forward swings sending your ball off into the water or deep in the woods. That’s a +2 I could live without. It’s not enough to give it any less than 5 stars.

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Wii Games Cop 2 Inches

I will look back on this moment in 10 minutes time and go, “Wii games? HA, man that was so 2007. Remember those motherfuckers? With those gimpy controls that make you look retarded when playing?”
Well, this is more a reminder for myself (and a warning to you) if I ever feel the need to buy a cheap game that I’ve played it before and it is not worth the $10 they’re asking for out of the bargain bin.
Cooking Mama 1_star.gif
What a fucking piece of shit. It is a cooking simulator aimed at small children. It is awesome that Nintendo (or rather, creators of the game) re-enforce the stereotype of keeping the bitch in the kitchen. It tells you what to do.

C’mon Kids! Let’s cook toast! What you need is a PHD in rocket science, some kitty litter, some bread, some anal beads, a banana and a toaster! YEAH!

If you’re older than 10, this game is not for you. It even goes through the motions of beating eggs into flour to create…some sort of food-based stuffs that morphs into other stuff that is enjoyable to eat. The only problem is to do the beating using the controller, makes it looks like the only beating you’re doing is the beating of your own dick. I question what would be more boring: Playing this game or watching me grow a mustache? It’s a trick question. Of course as I would prefer to watch my mustache grow. And then grow them into a handle bar mustache, get some tats, start chain smoking and a drinking habit and join a motorcycle gang.
Endless Ocean 1_star.gif
The only thing endless about this is the how the time feels when you play it.
The game tells me firmly with excitement, “Ok guys! Let’s go diving! YEAH!”
To my cautious and partially cynical reply from the Enya-sounding intro song is, “Ok, so what are we going to do?”
It replies in an excited voice, “We’re gunna swim forwards! Swim slow! Don’t forget to go slower when you rise to the top of the water! You don’t want the benz!”
“Are you shitting me? This is a game. I really have to worry about oxygen in the blood stream? Oh well, what else can you do?
“Watch out for sharks!!!”
“Ok, now we’re talking. What can the sharks do?”
“Oh, not a lot. Just keep swimming.”
The fucking end.
Dogz 1_star.gif
It’s a dog simulator. But ya know, without the responsibility of cleaning up the shit the dog leaves when he is eats something that doesn’t agree with him and he cops a dose of the squirts. Ya know what is more fucking bat shit crazy that people would want to play this game? The fact that it is one of Nintendo DS’ highest selling games of all time. Fuck people and their piss poor taste in video games.
MySims 1_star.gif
Another Simulator. It’s like Sims 1, 2 and 3 on PC except somehow worse with the cuteness factor turned up to 11. They’ve taken out all the parts where you have to look after the people. Now you just build shit and sleep. You don’t eat, poop or even build to raise your happiness. Build shit, don’t build shit…meh. It has no relevance to anything. If you don’t build relationships, you don’t become a social outcast and be left alone in a basement somewhere for you to carve that wood you once carved into furniture to now build weapons from.
Your character is always happy like those people at work who are there at 7:30 in the Goddamn fucking morning and so perky and cheery that you just want to make life hard for them until they sour up a bit so you can feel a bit better. To be fair, those cheerful and happy people are the ones who are still that way a little later on in the day when you’ve finally woken up and you start to like them more than the rest of those fuckheads who act like dicks all day long. It is just unfuckingnatural to be happy at such an early hour of the morning.

When I play more games, I will keep you in the loop. Consider this a favour.
And to let you know I am not dead yet.

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These are two decent games worth playing (depending on your inclination):
Tank Shooting:
http://www.arcadebom … y/steel_grinder.html

Puzzle Game:
http://www.fireworks … awkes/guy-fawkes.asp

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