2 Inches Of Fury

Something Worth Reading.

Movie Snapshot

I have watched a few movies in the last few months so I am going to my absolute best to rate each one. I also added in a few from the Archives which I watched in the last couple of months.

Anvil: The Story Of Anvil - 93%
An exceptional movie about a failed metal band and why they failed. Both funny and sad (being male, this means funny and sad are almost my entire emotional pallet). The leader is very remaniscent of the main character from the movie American Movie - determined to live out his vision, whatever the cost.

Slipstream - 64%
The common complaint by most critics was that it was unwatchable. I don’t entirely agree but what is amazing is this is an Anthony Hopkins film I didn’t think he was capable of making. This certainly adds a dimension to Anthony Hopkins that I didn’t know existed. The way I see this movie is the movie which would precede his opus of a similar style.

The Hoax - 79%
I never thought I would see Richard Gere in a film I actually liked. Before this movie, I roped him into second-rate actions and chick flicks that I couldn’t give a laxitive-induced shit about. But this being about Howard Hughes was highly engaging.

He Was A Quiet Man - 70%
I have always wanted to see Christian Slater in a film that I like and this is it. There were moments that started to turn from an interesting story into bland soppy shit (which I should have really seen coming but didn’t) but then it saved itself towards the end.

Eddie Izzard Stripped Live (DVD) - 73%
I have another stand up Eddie Izzard DVD and it is nowhere near as good as this intelligent and insightful routine even though there are moments he uses lame wordplay to get a laugh.

Where the Wild Things Are - 48%
I love Spike Jonze but did not think much of this film which is a shame. It had the right message and absolutely beautiful cinematography but the simple dialogue and the momentum of the film really lets it down. For most of it, instead of being dreamy, I was bored. That and I am not sure of its demographic. Simple dialogue assumes it is for the kiddies but the tone is too dark for children.

88 Minutes - 39%
Pacino could do better. If Beamsy can passively guess who did it 20 minutes in, it is hardly unpredictable on-the-edge-of-your-seat thrilling. Certainly nowhere near as bad as RT would leave you to believe. I’ve seen far worse films.

Thr3e - 26%
If there were better actors and it was filmed better and it was edited better, it would have been a better film. And if they left out the bits at the start and end as it had no bearing on the rest of the film. Seemed like filler to me which is certainly not a positive aspect in a music album which translates even worse in a movie.

Testosterone - 0%
THE worst film I have ever seen. If I am going to watch a bad movie, I am going to compare it to this. It makes Howard the Duck look like a piece of masterful art of genius cinematography.

Boat Trip - 12%
This 90 minute-laughless “comedy” starring Cuba Gooding Jr has only one thing going for it - a surprising cameo by Will Farrell. Every joke was predictable as fuck.

I Know Who Killed Me - 17%
This movie ended up on the Wiki page of worse films of all time. I think with Lindsay Lohan, if she doesn’t make brilliant pieces of cinema and makes bad personal decisions, the critics have a field day at her expense which is not entirely fair. There was one positive to come out of this film - the effective use of Blue Vs. Red.

Cheaper By The Dozen 2 - 6%
Steve Martin, what the FUCK were you thinking? Fuckin terrible. Bowfinger was a great film. Ever since you’ve done nothing but shit. You really need a new agent. This was a sequel of a movie that didn’t need a sequel.

Deck The Halls - 8%
I don’t think I have seen ANYTHING with Danny DeVito in it that I like. You can add this one to that list. This movie only made me feel LESS festive than I already did after watching this film. Is it a comedy? I couldn’t really tell. I think they were going for laughs but I just never knew.

Extreme Ops - 19%
With this film you have to review with two scores. Scoring it as a movie and then as a snowboarding/skiing video. As a snowboarding/skiing film it is quite alright. At the start of the film it hints at a story line. And then snowboarding action for an hour and then it was like the people making the filim went, “Oh shit, we were doing a movie right? Fuck, what was the rest of the script? Anyone got it?” The acting is more wooden than my morning glory and the story is so slight and half-baked, if it was food you wouldn’t even consider consuming it and look at it with complete disgust.

College - 31%
Nothing new in the cannon of teen films and not a particularly funny one but it was entertaining in parts. It was a nice surprised to see it had Zach from Whitest Kids U Know in it.

Ballistic Ecks Vs Sever - 21%
The 0% it received (in RT) was a tad bit harsh but if you add my snapshot to the list of other critics it would have done the movie no favours. I didn’t think it was entirely inept as the story (or whatever there was of a story) was strung together almost smoothly and while the acting was pretty bad, it was essentially just a mindless action film. Turn off your brain and don’t feel challenged at the dead bodies everywhere. Not to mention the far-fetched unreal stunts being pulled. Being an action film I don’t really set a bar terribly high. Especially one from the Hollywood machine.

Surviving Christmas - 20%
I should have rated this far worse but I get this feeling that the inspiration for James Gandolphini’s character (being bitter and generally unhappy) was his contractual obligation to show up in this abortion of a film. That or taking any gig that will have him. Poor decision but an exceptional shitfest for Ben Affleck.

All About Steve - 28%
I think Sandra Bullock is HOT. However, what pains me in this film (which critics said was an awkward as fuck film with the lead character you pity than root for which I do agree with) is their constant need to make comparisons between life and crossword puzzles. I would love to see another movie with Sandra Bullock in it that I will actually like. Bradley Cooper is a giant dick. I would love to have a crazy woman like Sandra Bullock after me. Especially after she rapes me in my own car. I guess you can’t call it rape it when I enjoyed it. I guess there are two kinds of psycho, though. There is the character that Sandra Bullock played who is harmless bag of crazy and then there is Mandy from the TV show on Comedy Channel, Secret Girlfriend. Who is likely to tie you up to your bed for days at a time and then harvest an organ or two when you come to just so she could feel what it would be like to be in you. And then break up with you and get back together 11 times every day.

Extract - 30%
It was a Mike Judge film and was mostly a character exercize with a simple story. I was bored and the characters I was frustrated at. I was expecting something epic to come out of this movie…ya know, something like Office Space? Remember that movie? Remember some of the absolute classic characters which anyone who has ever had an office job can relate to not to mention the absolute classic scenes like the printer scene. This had none of that and characters with defining quirks but just not enough to be enjoyable.

Death To Smoochy - 49%
I almost enjoyed this film. I certainly think pretty highly of Edward Norton (especially after his role in Fight Club) but this was a minor let down. It could have been a laughfest but meh.

Step Brothers - 11%
It seems harsh to give it such a poor rating but it is more harsh to make me sit through a laughless hour and a half. There was a laugh or two but otherwise an infuriating movie. At least with Boat Trip there was some entertainment value even if there were no laughs.

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The Middle

This is more of a reminder to myself than a long overdue entry.
The Middle is a second-rate Malcolm in the Middle. Except there are some slight differences.
1. You have the daughter. She is exactly like Meg from Family Guy: ugly, no personality and if she did not exist on the show, we would not give a shit. Except Family Guy has no problem in taking the piss on Meg. Who said they could start putting ugly on TV as some form of accepted reflection on society? Don’t the TV execs know that everyone outside of TV land is beautiful?
2. The eldest Son is an average teen. Like I haven’t seen enough of those. Or even care.
3. The youngest Son is like Dewey. Direct rip off. Except there was always this certain loveable uncertainty with Dewey and the child in this family is just weird.
4. The Mum in the Middle has the best intentions. And who really gives a shit? Malcolm’s Mum is the most infuriating woman on the planet but who can blame her with Sons like she has? That makes better TV viewing to see a woman who is always at the end of her teather.
5. The father is the only saving grace (if there ever was one). I like Neil Flynn’s (Janitor from Scrubs) acting style. But again, he is not funny which seems to be the general theme of this TV show. Generic characters doing unfunny things.

I’d watch Gary Unmarried except I fuckin hate Jay Mohr with a double-fisted passion. I just wanna grab a thick log and brew over thoughts of stabbing him, jail-style while turning that thick log into a sharp shank. I have no logic behind this hate but always had this feeling he was school captain and the jock who always got his way. I don’t think I have such an illogical hatred for another person like I do Jay Mohr. I usually have a pretty good reason for disliking someone. It just makes watching Kings Ransom that ever bittersweet.

Accidentally on Purpose would be a great show EXCEPT it’s 30 laughless minutes. The characters are not well-drawn and generic. And the comedy seems like it came from someone who is stuck in a back room somewhere being drastically underpaid but does it anyway as he is balls deep in debt trying to make it as a comic or had a wife who left him and has robbed the poor bastard blind. Are people so faceless themselves that they relate to characters that have no real character? I loved Jenna Elfman in Dhama and Greg. She’s getting on in age but I’d shag the shit right out of her body and into a comatose.

Gossip Girl is shit. Even the threesome they did to get rating back up was brief and unsatisfying. Feel free to make your own sex joke. Sonja has no idea what brief and unsatisfying is. That’s why she married me.

Glee sucks the shit right out of my arsehole through a garden hose.

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Review: Bad Day Down - If This Is The Way It Has To Be

Link: http://baddaydown.com/
http://www.myspace.com/baddaydown
There, I saved you 5 seconds waiting for Google to load. You’re welcome.
I wasn’t asked to write this review but really got into the two previous reviews I did and so I’m writing one for the archives of an album which dates back to 2006.
When I first heard about this band the year was 2005 and it was a good time to be alive. The breeze was hot and the birds were shagging…or something to that effect. That was my understanding of the story between birds and the bees. I am pretty sure it was Spring but this is Brisbane where it is summer for 9 months out of the year, it’s fuckin hot and I am so sure that we are closer to the Equator than that fuckin map says we are. I don’t remember the name of the venue but it was located on a corner and it was a pub which no longer has bands playing there which makes me sad in my pantaloons. And if they do play bands still, I am sure punk bands would have been crossed off the list as accepted bands.
I had never heard ANY of the bands except one - Fat Mans Clevage who were playing that night and Josh (who runs the QPunx site) said to me the band who are doing their CD Launch tonight were right up my alley and fuck, can he pick em. They had their old drummer and they were insane in every respect. Guitar work was impeccible, the drumming was tighter than a 40 year old female virgin and they even threw in a few songs remaniscent of Kid Dynamite and man, am I fan of Kid Dynamite. One distinctive thing I also remember about that night is seeing B2 wear a Kid Dynamite shirt that night and thinking, “Man, I hope they’re even a fraction as good and as fast as Kid Dynamite”. But when kids wear band shirts, you don’t know to what degree does the band shirt reflect their influence.
Fat Mans Clevage were good and it was a great atmosphere. Sure, it was alcoholically-driven but all punk gigs are and plus…it was at a pub - go figure. I have no other recollection of any other bands playing that night apart from these two (oh, and Forefold) and one of the other bands had a lot of tall cunts in it who were uninspired and forgettable. Not to mention piss poor. I guess that is what I was suggesting when I said uninspired but I really just wanted to get that message across.
I had not been so impressed with a live band in quite some time before Bad Day Down. They played the whole album they were promoting at the time (Biting the Hand that Feeds), front to back.
After I cleaned up the litre of jizz my dick blew after the first song, I went and paid the $15 for the CD. The other positive out of that night was that I ran into Gotty from Forefold and I was just saying how good they were that night and he gave me their first EP for free. I was prepared for pay for it but he said, “Thanks for being in the Mosh” and left it there which was super awesome. Man, I miss those days.

Fast forward a bit and they had released a split EP which I spent like $5 at a show for which contained some forgettable band I can’t remember. The track names were clever, though - I remember that much. Anyway, one of the tracks was, “Infidel at the Kids Table” which was recorded live of that very gig.

Fast forward again and they released this album. Upon the first listen, I was greatly disappointed. Where the fuck was the original drummer? If the band don’t miss him because he’s a cock (or whatever the real case may be), I do miss contribution to the band. I know how all of you read all my reviews so you’ll know how I was saying in the Stolen Bikes Ride Faster EP that you can do a tight yet cop-out drum beat? Well, to replace the original drummer they got Prawn from Forefold who does this. He sounds good and tight like your Nana but not as good as the original drummer. Much like the same way as Miles Away did. The guitar work is always great no doubt but the one thing I had an appreciation for was the bass work. The band has always been political so the lyrics have not changed. If you loved, ‘Biting the Hand the Feeds’ most people will find the new one equally as good but there might a select few of you who were like me who need to take a number of serious listens to really give it the same appreciation you gave the first one. Those who are new to the band, you will love it. There are more songs this time around but there are fewer songs this time around that don’t amp me like the first album did and less of a “HOLY SHIT” factor.
Favourite songs: “You (Also) Don’t have to Ride Jim Crow”, “The Half of It” and “Biting the Hand That Feeds” in that order.
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Review: Stolen Bikes Ride Faster - SBRF EP

Link: www.myspace.com/stolenbicycles
I saw these guys live and they were a tonne of fun. And fun is definately is a good starting point as you get a lot of angry punk bands with political agendas and in our current world you have a million bands who all feel the need to express their left wing opinion even though we all seem to sing the same song in our own slightly varied way. You NEVER see a punk band sing, “YAY Capitalism! I don’t see where they wrong, communism didn’t work so I wrote this song…” or something equally misguided. Yes, we know the system sucks Anti-Flag - we get the message.

My main concern with this EP is that the drumming sucks. You could even do (tight but) cop-out punk drum beats from bands like Ignite or Forefold. Something like that would sound effective but the drumming on this EP is wildly uneven. It is like he is trying to do double-kick but the feet can not coordinate well with his arms and can’t keep up with himself. I know I shouldn’t be putting so much emphasis on drumming but this is punk. If your drummer sucks, it really brings the band down. Is the resevour of drummers really that few and far between? I usually find punk drummers are either really great or really poor with no real inbetween.
I hate making comparisons but I don’t really have an option because I tell you these guys were set out to sound like Nofx. It says in their bio but they don’t really. They sound more like Guttermouth if Guttermouth had a fraction of their abilitiy/talent and their singer Mark, sounded both whiney and constipated at the same time.
I see what they are trying to do - “Hey, we’re just like Nofx! Listen to us!” and then that forces anyone who has ever been interested in punk and Nofx, ever. Then when the listener actually listens to the band that are making this comparison, being bitterly disappointed when they don’t live up to the hype or thinking they’re not as bad if they set the bar low. The problem with this is millions of punk bands all try to sound like Nofx and only a handful are actually worth listening to.
The guitar work is nothing fancy but at the same time is the most effective part about the band and this EP. If you don’t care for lyrics or do not take your lyrics seriously (especially with song titles like, “Peanut Butter Motherfucker”), these guys suffice. If you’re looking for something a little more wholesome and not just something to say to fill the sound, you might want to avoid and wish they would write second or third-rate political lyrics. There is a positive in this EP: they have the woah’s remaniscent of early AFI but please do not misunderstand - the “whoa’s” are where the comparisons stop.
The best song (by far) is the first track - “Baby I’m The AntiChrist”. If I could get over the drumming and the vocals and the other songs were as good “Baby I’m The AntiChrist”, we’d have a great EP on our hands.
Regardless on this review on the EP, go and see them live - they’re much better.
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KFC Recipe

* 2 tablespoons paprika
* 1 tablespoon onion salt
* 1 teaspoon celery salt
* 1 teaspoon rubbed sage
* 1 teaspoon garlic powder
* 1 teaspoon ground allspice
* 1 teaspoon ground oregano
* 1 teaspoon chili powder
* 1 teaspoon black pepper
* 1 teaspoon basil leaves, crushed
* 1 teaspoon marjoram leaves, crushed finely

Directions:
Combine all ingredients as listed in a small jar with a tight fitting lid (baby food jars work good). Shake mixture to combine. Stores for months. Keep out of direct sunlight, heat and humidity. (Makes about 1/3 cup).

To Use:
Mix together 4 teaspoons mixture, 1 cup flour, 1 Tbls. packed light brown sugar and 1 teaspoons salt. Place in a doubled plastic food bag and add chicken to coat. Fry, drain on paper towels, serve!

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Review: Align - Align EP (2009)

I had a stroke of genius. Or maybe just a stroke. Or maybe just a vinegar stroke, I dunno.
But QPunx mag have asked me to write for them which is pretty good. So, what I’d do is write the review here and they can collect it when I am done/post it here. It works because the Qpunx readers don’t have to go to my site - just the editors who want my reviews (which I grant consent of using). Which forces them to come to my site more frequently. The thing is everyone who knows this site will find out about the mag I now write for us well; two prong attack.

Review:
This might be a slightly bias review as I know the guys in the band. Having said that, I can be as brutally honest as I want without hurting some feelings. Or perhaps I might lose friends if I don’t give this the gleeming review they want. As this is my first review, to give you some insight. I have this ideal of what punk is supposed to be. So when someone says the genre “Pop-punk” to me, that means bands like the Ramones. What Pop-punk ISN’T is Thursday, Plain White T’s, Blink 182 (post Buddha/Cheshire Cat), My Chemical Romance, etc.
So when you tell you that this EP is some of the best punk I’ve heard in awhile, you know I am not talking about generic pop shit but rather, a bunch of guys that grew up with the punk that we all know as punk (Nofx, Bad Religion, Frenzal Rhomb, etc) and not this weak, more-watered down-than-coke-from-McDonalds shit that these kiddies think they’re so hardcore listening to which is sad. This is not to say these bands are shit (although opinions might differ) but they are by NO means punk.
I have seen these guys record most of the songs in demo format and to watch is amazing. What you don’t hear when you listen to the EP is the 100 takes they did of one song because Dave (the drummer) didn’t like second last fill and wants to record it again. They lay down the drums first and does it without any assistance from the guitarist of bassist. How many bands do know that can pull that shit off? It would be a few except what I have neglected to mention is the complex configuration of each song is not just your standard double-kick punk beat at a million miles an hour. Which seems to be in itself a rare find in any band as the drummer usually does not have either the talent or the stamina to keep it up and those that have actual songwriting abilities.
The first track off the EP is, “Cali Aus” which I believe is actually the weakest song off the EP. So if you thought that was a pretty good song, just wait until it kicks in with the next track - “She’s Dead”. You fill fuckin blow a litre of jizz. So my suggestion is when you listen to the album, please have a box of tissues on standby - just in case.
Got ADHD? Yes? Great, this album is for YOU. The next two tracks “Pride of your country” and “Life and lies of a businessman” have frequent rapid changes in it to keep you interested. Now all they need are some drinking songs which every yob in the pub can scream their loudest until their throat becomes all hoarse and dry which no soothing ale can replenish.
The final track on the EP they have is “Unity” which they have been playing for years. The first time I heard this song, it sent a shiver down my spine and I peed a little. Each repeat listen is always enjoyable and a nice way to finish the EP.

Go and see these guys live and buy them a beer. They’re a group of really cool guys and they have a tonne more songs in their arsenal as well as a recent addition - Josh their new guitarist. During a gig (if you can), just stand behind Dave and watch him play drums - it’s an amazing sight to see. The gutarist and bassist? Yeah, they’re ok too.
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