2 Inches Of Fury

I live in Australia. Before you completely discount everything I say as null and void, we’re experiencing an upheaval at the moment in regards to Australian Internet. Yes, we’re far behind the rest of the world in availability and value for money as well as speed and service. The ISPs here in Aus are making a mint at being poorly run and offering little to no customer service (minus a handful of exceptions) and then charging the world for any customer service that you get.

There is not a single ISP around that offers complete unlimited ADSL2+ (except Telstra (Australia’s major ISP/Telephone company) for $350/month). There are very few ISP’s (they are out there, though at a price) that offer even unlimited ADSL 1. And then when they do offer unlimited, it is either subject to a FUP (Fair use policy) or charge you the planet on the assumption that only a business would require completely unlimited downloading. You don’t need to go to the extreme of complete unlimited per month to have an enjoyable browsing experience. But Telstra offers their “extreme” download plan of 10gb. In lamens terms, even if you had slow-arsed “broadband” internet, you could download your cap in a few days rendering the rest of the month useless in either further charges to the monthly bill or capped to a speed so slow, you might as well be living on dial up. Telstra’s smallest plan on offer is 200mb a month. This equates to some emails and some light browsing. Or you could use up the whole monthly quota by downloading 1 TV episode. I understand not every one requires huge amounts of downloads as some people have lives (although this is a common myth). But where the question lies is once you hit you the 200mb (and you will if you visit your emails every day and go to news.com every other day), you get charged per mb. So you have unsuspecting users who might download some files which are big and take a little longer than normal. So instead of ending up with a $30 bill, they’ve now ended up with a $100 because they went 100-200mb a month over. The sort of people that sign up with the 200mb a month plans are the same people who don’t really know what they’ve just signed up for. “Fast speed? 200mb a month? AWESOME. 200 sounds like a big number. I’ll do it!”

By this standard, most ISPs claim to give you an “unlimited” price plan, being subject to an AUP/FUP (acceptable use policy/fair use policy) which means they can cut you any time saying that however much you’ve downloaded for that month has exceeded an AUP. 10gb, 50gb…even 3gb (yes, this has happened to me in the past from shady ISP practise) and then charge you accordingly. How they do this is on a percentile basis. Usually if every one is utilising the network heavily in a particular month, they take the top 3% downloaders (or offenders depending on which side of the fence you’re on) and shape them. This 3% figure can adjust depending upon who is downloading how much and how much the network is suffering for light people who haven’t suffocated the network. The only problem with this is then it is not unlimited.

There is two sides of the story for this:
Side A: It is not possible to offer every one unlimited broadband. If we were offering true unlimited downloads to every one, they would have to either make it so expensive that no one could afford it or the network would just suffer and EVERYONE would experience poor performance due to the geographic nature of Australia and the cost to maintain such a network.

Side B: So, why offer unlimited in the first place? As far as I can tell, it is to fool general consumers and it is a political move so it gives John Doe the impression that Australian broadband can handle large amounts of download. Only comparitively to 10 and 20gb a month are these AUPs are unlimited. They’re not really but it gives people the idea that they can leech all they want every month; some succeed, some don’t.

Recently there was some cracker down in South Australia (some wanker politician) who thought all internet should be filtered at an ISP level. iiNet (South Australian ISP) was the first ISP to trial this and I think they’re still doing the trial. So you might be at home late one night thinking about nutting one out and you can’t get to your favourite porn site and you’ve lost all that lesbian porn I gave you ages ago (ya know, hypothetically). And then you try to use your imagination only to realize that years of watching videos has stripped away any imaginative ability. You try but it’s like jerking off warm sausage. New York is not even close to being as backed up as you are right now. You’re so sexually backed up that you have a cold shower. One of many to come all because of some wanker who thought he was saving the kids from such filth when really it should be the responsibility of the lazy moronic parents.

Out of all the pricks in Hollywood, I have been achin’ to do this one.
Tom Cruise does not require an introduction.
If anything, Cruise requires cleamer left in a crevice in his house where the smell is more putrid than a sewerage plant but won’t be able to locate where the hell that smell is coming from for months.

I am finding he has done more good movies than lemons which is all fine except if the tool didn’t have an ego bigger than New York, I woulda left well enough alone. I don’t know if the critics love him or whether he is in good movies for other reasons but most of his career seems to be filled with high-rating films.

Here is the kicker: His biggest movies (financially) he has been in have actually yielded the worst scores (excluding Minority Report).

Awesome sound track featuring Sigur Ros. Unfortunately, the sound track is the greatest aspect of this film.
I mean, I haven’t seen it. But if Boggs says it is not worth the time or effort, then I will bet my left nut that is very much the case.

Ya know how the kid in Liar Liar made one wish: His father could not lie for just 1 day? Well, I made a wish of my own: Tom Cruise would never make another political film ever again.

I’m still waiting for this wish to come true. He was in Valkyrie. Wank factor: 98%. My wank detector was going off so hard, loud and fast at Cruises attempt to be political that they named a sperm bank after me largely due to the freakishly large amounts of semen my wank detector made me produce.

Everybody fuckin loved this film. This hollow, yet action packed film had that famous scene of Cruise coming down from the roof and landing mere inches from the ground. My care factor: 0.

If Rottentomatoes is anything to go by, this is a slight improvement on the previous film. IMDB and Allmovie says not really, no. I didn’t care enough for the first one to watch the second. Same goes for the third one.

They got the cock part right.

I know this is really really clutching at straws but the guy is the world’s giant tool. There is the famous moment on Opera where he jumped around like a clown. And if anyone has seen the video of his take on Scientology, totally laughable and embarrassed for him that he has no idea what Scientology means. You could see he has good intentions but you do not need to be apart of some cult to prove it. If you’re gunna get all high and mighty about your self-being, be a Christian.

In case you’ve missed out on seeing such required viewing, here is Tom Cruise on Opera:

Tom Cruise on Scientology:

See? Total idiot.
That’s my 2 inches.

I wouldn’t say cops 2 Inches. This is really more like a homeage to one of the greatest actors of our time. My site is not always about over-blown actors with ego’s bigger than small cities that need to be brought down a peg or about obscure shit being brought forward into the light under investigation.

No, I am a much bigger person than that. Isn’t that right, Busey?

Where this all came from was a few months ago, I was watching TV with Boggs. We flipped it over to World Poker Tour when we saw a few familiar faces. Daniel Baldwin (whilst being fresh out of rehab still looked a little “off-the-hook”), the sexy Jen Tilley and Gary Busey - amazing. When watching him play poker, you automatically knew this cracker would be one of the first to get out not because of his style of playing but I have seen a number of Gary Busey b-movies before. Each as good as the next. I think it is hardly fair to call them b-movies but I always assumed ‘b’ was for Busey. And his unique over-acting style can not be matched. And that same style was bought to the poker table. This explains why he lost at poker.

SO, anyway…yeah…Gary Busey. Here they are in all their glory (hole):

This movie is technically inept, absolutely. On this basis alone, it is why it received its 28% score on rottentomatoes. But what makes this movie barely passable is Mr Busey is in it. Switch your brain off and just stare at the screen like a cow looks at an oncoming truck and be prepared to lower a couple of IQ points and and at the same time be blown away by Gary Busey’s over-acted performance.

Has Steven Seagal in it. I really haven’t been able to move past that fact to bring myself to watch it.

Saw this along time ago. I can not remember Mr. Busey being in it.

Never seen it.

Never seen it.

This movie is on order, I swear on it.

Never seen this, either. Maybe one day I will.

So there you have it. Gary Busey’s 37 year movie career in a nutshell.
The legend lives on.

Jason Lee plays his best role as less-than-average hick in My Name is Earl. His last name is Hickey for fucks sake. Regardless on these facts it is an entertaining show.
I went through the usual areas of critics giving their opinion. I find that when you’re in more lemons and than decent films and you’re STILL able to make more than an honest living, it is time to be taken down a peg.

You do not require a PHD in rocket science to know that this movie had no chance whatsoever in succeeding. It is painfully obvious at various points in the movie that he has no idea where these cute CG characters. However, I will shamefully admit at several times during this film I did, “Heh”.
Now you know, Pat - I watched this film. Don’t tell too many people.
This movie would be perfect if I was 5 year old. Maybe that was the angle Lee was going with this film - try and appeal to the kiddies. OR maybe he just needed more money for blow.

Extremely shit chick flick. There is a whole bunch of bad things happen to the main character. It starts with one lie that turns into a multitude of lies followed by a big lie. Standard boring shit really. Ya know, Hitler told one big lie before. The main difference is this is a generic shit movie and Hitler is…well, dead. Quite like this movie, actually. Even though she has this angry ragin lesbo look to her, Selma Blair is hot. Clearly Lee forgot his testicles one day while needing his next pay cheque.

I find with Tom Green he is really good or really shit. Depends on what mood you get me in as to whether which end of that opinion I will stray. This movie had the potential to be something really good. I watched it many moons ago and unfortunately, I would rate it alongside ‘Freddy Got Fingered’. Sometimes I think to myself, someone should follow Tom Green around with a sharp stick and when he makes a shit joke, they should prod him with it and shout, “BE MORE FUNNY”.

This movie is about as entertaining as being sodomised with a switchblade.
Again, this would perfect if you 5 years old. One of my guilty pleasures in life is Spongebob which could be said that it is pointed at 5 year old kiddies with the bright colours along with a talking sponge, a talking star fish and an underwater squirrel. However, as far fetched and as wack as that shit might sound, there is far more content and humour for adults that would appeal to someone outside of the 5 year old realm as well as maintaining their original audience. This movie fails on not only content but humour as well. Please don’t get me wrong: Spongebob Squarepants is good show and this is a shit movie. Just demonstrating that you can appeal to the kiddies as well as adults in an well-executed manner.

This has been universally panned by critics. Being a Stephen King adaptation, you would expect some kind of quality but that went out the window at some point. This is another one of those horror/suspense films and as I mentioned in a previous post, I do not have the stones to watch many films within that genre. From what I have read, this is not really scary enough for me to not enjoy it. The front cover of the DVD looks good, though.

Here is an idea for the next Jason Lee film - Battlefield Earth 2: The Continual Idiocy.
It will be like the first Battlefield Earth movie. Except instead of John Travolta, you will have Jason Lee. And somehow in the mix, it will be worse. At the end of the film, it will explain the entire story/movie in a 3 minute narative rendering the entire movie pointless along with stupid idiologies that make Will Smith as the last man on earth with the solution the outbreak of a virus, a viable story in comparison.

There is a pre-regret to this entry. I fuckin love Jason Statham as an actor. I first saw him in, ‘Snatch’ followed by “Lock Stock…’. Two really great films. He really hasn’t been around long enough to make a complete judgment on his choice in films and acting ability. But I do like his style.
However, I don’t tolerate bad movies. And this guy has made a shitload of lemons and it seems like there is a crowd out there that only remember the few good movies he has been as a basis to see everything he has put out and everything he will put out.

Before the first line in this movie was spoken, I noticed the director was Uwe Boll. Wasn’t this the same director that did that comedy movie, ‘Alone in the Dark’? Wow, wasn’t that movie perhaps the best movie I have ever seen? Yes? The one with Christian Slater? Good.” So the problem can’t be with him, then. Wait a minute. What else did Uwe Boll do? ‘House of the Dead’? ‘BloodRayne’? SWEET FUCKIN JESUS! QUICK! Where is the exit?!?! You could have had the best actor in the world and under the blind direction of Mr Boll, you could not save this really sad excuse for a movie.

Jason Statham is well-known for his action films. This is an action film minus the action.
What does that leave you with? FUCKIN NOTHIN.

I love Guy Ritchie for the same reason I love Jason Statham. And as much as I don’t want to admit, Guy Ritchie has made some poor decisions. I have yet to see ‘RocknRolla’ (which I am excited about but have been warned by others that it may not be as good/great as what I could expect it to be) nor ‘Swept Away’ (both Ritchie’s films) but from everyone who has had the misfortune to see it, have been informed that indeed it sucks on every level. Well, Guy Ritchie has made this dud also. He tries to make an intellectual film but just splices shit together and expects an end result. He DID get an end result: shit. They say Ritchie visited “unusual territory”. Well Ritchie, go back to the territory you’re used to because you are well out of your league here.

I can not say anything about this film that has not been said. Except I was walking around in the city the other day and I noticed Jet Li sitting on the gutter to one side with a hat in front of him and a sign which read, “I will promise not to make another movie like ‘The One’ for a dollar” begging for money. Good news is he made that much money from that sign, he now has enough money to make his own film.

I really do not have the balls to sit through horror movies. It is my most-disliked genre of film and find that most of are either not my cup of tea (well-thought out/well done or not) or are just mindless bloodfests which I have a weak stomach and simply do not tolerate. But since it is unanimously voted a poor film by both users and critics across imdb, rottentomatoes and allmovie it ends up on this list as a shit film.

Here is an idea for a Jason Statham film: He should be put into an action film which contains nothing but action.
No storyline, very little acting and no enemy. It is just scene after scene of Statham running and kicking arse. For no real reason at all. For 3 hours. And the extended edition has another 4 hours of action scenes which were cut from the movie but contain equal relevance to the whole film (which is none).

Oh wait, he has done that already.
Zing.

Will Smith [ref] is another actor who needs to be taken down a peg.
Overblown and over-hyped to say the least. Yes, good actor. Yes, he has also made his fair share of bad movie making choices.

His latest I’m-so-important-wankfest, Seven Pounds was clearly a reference to the weight of shit this movie offers.
I haven’t seen but if both allmovie, imdb and rottentomatoes all agree that this movie is a dud then chances are, it is.

As good as I Am Legend was, the premise of Will Smith being the only doctor alive with the antidote or some shit is more than laughable. I had to stretch my belief system before watching the film so I wouldn’t completely dismiss it when watching the film or else the rest of the film wouldn’t hold water. I think if anyone is gunna be the first to go, Will Smith you will be the first.

You see, I have this device I made myself. Moss made the stress tester, I made the wank detector. It goes off when ever there is a TV show or movie which the premise is so far stretched (quite like Scientology) that anyone could not possibly believe it. You see the British, Russian and American intelligence has created such a device in the wake of WWII (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_lie). So when Will Smith is a doctor or some shit who is the only person in the world the wank detector was going like the sound of 100 men circle jerking each other in an enclosed room.

This is how this movie goes:
“OMG! You’re black and we won’t tolerate it.”
“I’m stickin around so you gotta.”
“Well, ok then. I guess we will.” THE FUCKIN END. 1.5 hours of fuckin nothin.

Very promising premise with huge potential. I can not possibly find the moment where this movie goes wrong. No matter what method I use, whether it is frame-by-frame or Science (physics) to calculate the x and y coordinates to identify where this movie went wrong, I can not reason to why I stood up at the end of the movie and went, “The name of the film was the most intriguing aspect of this film”. I think perhaps the title is in reference to an Alan Parsons album. Call it an inkling, but I think the first place to look as to why this sucked would be Will Smith.

My wank detector was going so fast, 5 guys sitting next to me let off a sexually satisfied groan before grappling for a moist towelette.

Best and worst movie, ever.

You see, I work in IT. The ending to this movie was so laughable, I still tell it to the guys at work every now and again as an in-joke which all of us appreciate. To the every man who is not IT-savvy, surely you would think the aliens would not be running Windows on their spacecraft.
“Hey, let’s upload a virus into the Alien’s computer and it will kill them all off.”
Great fuckin idea.
If their spacecraft DID run Windows, the thing would be off the ground for awhile before it would blue screen or give some kind of error and drop off the solar system into oblivion and they would certainly require a computer farm of millions of servers to produce that solid blue beam from the bottom of the alien aircraft. This however, would explain why the alien aircraft is so big to begin. The UFO really holds just two aliens but you need to carry so many damn computers to fuck the world up when running Windows, that it would justify the size.
They WOULD have swapped the 1,000,000 Windows machines for the 5 Linux boxes to give the same processing power but the aliens needed compatibility. Which unfortunately didn’t work for them.

Don’t get me wrong, he has been in great films. But who gives a shit about that? If someone wants to brown nose Will Smith, I am sure they will form their own forum and have Will Smith fans across the globe make his ego even bigger than it already is. Which is something the planet really doesn’t need right now.

I think the perfect premise for a film is mix Will Smith the now-current movie, Bolt. Except remove the animated dog with Will Smith who thinks he is the only person in the world who can save us. And then to add salt to this comedy’s wound, there is no evil person. Will Smith will have a friend (quite like Memento) who makes Will Smith go after a non-existent enemy. The movie ends with an official trou dacking made by the best friend. And if Will wants to go the extra step by shedding a tear of embarrassment, that would be the icing on said cake.

Just to take him down a peg.

I was watching Rage and they were showing an old episode of Count Down where John Travolta is promoting his new movie of that time, “Urban Cowboy”. Which is apparently good (I don’t know, I haven’t seen it). John Travolta is one of the biggest actors of our time alongside Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. He has an endless pit of money and is banging an abnormally attractive woman (maybe more than one). But even a man of this scope has made some bad decisions along the way.

Now I am not going to sit here and take the piss on ALL of his failures (epic or otherwise). No, that would take me far too long and the list would be ridiculously long. I have nothing against Mr. Travolta however everyone needs to be taken down a peg every now and again and I have 5 minutes to do a sample list.

This movie starts at a golf course. There is only two movies in all the world that start out here that are worth watching:
* Caddyshack and
* Happy Madison
And this movie is neither of those. Oh, did I mention this golf match is in heaven? Makes sense to me. Their game is interrupted by God (Gene Hackman - ya know, I knew it was him all along). This is the same man who is a Scientologist. God says to the angels, “Ok you tools, Earth has gone to shit. Flood it out and start again.”
The angel’s say they can change man’s way.
1. What do the angel’s care about Earth?
2. If they thought the world was going to shit in 1983 or whenever this was made, how fucked do they think the Earth is now? Things could be much worse than they are now. I reckon the angels would get sick of protesting God every time God says to flood Earth. Eventually God will say, “Ok, the Earth is fucked. Time to flood and start again. Anyone got any protests?”
“Nope. Doing it now, sir.” This protest could not be a once off surely.
3. What the fuck?

You’ve demonstrated yourself a competent actor/dancer. Please do not force this watered down, mediocre bullshit. I once gave my worst enemy a copy of this movie as a present. I took it back and apologised after I realised it was too harsh for anyone to sit through. I wouldn’t even wish this on my worst enemy.

John Travolta loves Scientology. That’s great and I am happy for you and perhaps you were pressured into this lemon from the Scientology society but ultimately, you should discarded this movie the moment you read the first page. You don’t have to do a 3-hour long film and bore people to death about shit that no one could care for.

As far as I can tell, this was to exploit the then-fashionable gym and fitness fad that was going on. The only problem is it is hardly a fad. It’s been 25 years later and it is still going on. What happened was a bunch of people woke up feeling guilty one morning and decided to get fit and open up a place for other people to be fit and tap in the guilt psyche of needing to be healthy.

There’s more but lets leave it here. I’m ok with this until later when I we go through some other well-known actors who make conscience decisions to act in some real lemons.

It’s easy. Search - Worst Band Ever in youtube and you get about 3000 responses. You really know you suck worse than any other band when you don’t even make it to the top 1000 responses of that particular search.

Let me break down this video for you. Firstly, they’re missing a drummer. Slowed the songs down or maybe used the bass a good melody or some shit. The use of both instruments aren’t bad as I am sure both these guys go on to bigger and better things. I am sure if they did a song that didn’t suck it might have a chance. This sounds like the unstructured musings of Captain Beefheart except not even vaguely in the same league.

Sadly, the world of music has produced worse stuff than this. At least the drummer is sort of not shit when he gets into it. I mean he does not contain even 1/100,000 of the talent of Travis Barker but he is clearly the best instrumentalist of the band. The vocals are what I would expect a tone-deaf cat to sound like with the guitars are dreadfully tinny (could be the recording, though). And the saddest possible aspect of this video is they’re covering Blink 182. Unfortunately in the world of a 15 year old, covering Blink 182 seems like a good idea. Why? Fucks me. There’s a million other bands out there which produced at least one song each which would be better covered than this song they chose. Especially as their skill level, this could not have been a worse decision.

To get an idea of this band skip to the 3:01 mark. Listen to it for 2 seconds. Rinse and repeat. I would like to say they’re an Avantgarde band since they’re missing a drummer but they have a trumpet player. Melt Banana are a noise band. And they are good. These guys are plain ol’ noise and shit. The funny part about this is prior to the song, they talk about how they’re selling CDs. Wow. They managed to capture the brilliance of their music onto a format which I can take home with me? Great. Once the band sobers the fuck up, they will realise what a fucked idea it was to think anyone would buy their music. I wouldn’t even download it for free and waste precious hard drive space.

Just shit. Imagine bad karaoke. This is worse than that. Just to note: William Hung was worse than bad karaoke for more reasons than one. So is this.

The video itself is not really that funny. But coupled with the title of this video - “Worst shredding ever. Guy rapes guitar.”, it is seriously the funniest shit ever.

Worst metal video clip? I don’t think so. Firstly you have some pretty famous people in this video clip, I’m pretty sure. Like Bill Bailey, the lead singer from Suicidal Tendencies, James Hetfield, Leo Sawyer, Dio and some guy in a plaid kilt (even though I’m pretty sure it’s a skirt/dress). The greatest part of this video clip apart from the low production values and low cost would be the fat dude’s fingers on the keyboard around the ~1:20 mark. By the look of it, that fatty is mashin them keys because one of his fingers is bigger than a key on the keyboard. Maybe you should eat more donuts and less keyboard solos, fatty. Nom nom nom.

For one string, this guy certainly makes the most out of it. Not too bad. Certainly the polar opposite of the shit you saw previously.

I figured all metal heads were like this guy.

A self-proclaimed “shit” guitarist. This guy shreds. He’s also a self-proclaimed wanker, too. Shit guitarist, indeed. If I was even half that good, I’d be in the Alan Parsons Project.

Christian bands, gotta love ‘em. Well actually, you don’t and either do I. This video is so very sad. At ~1:45 mark, there are two girls that go up to the drummer and get him to sign their copy of the CDs. Not only could you tell it was forced but the enthusiasm was so sarcastic, I could only laugh. And then they talk about getting a record contract and how busy they are marketing the band? An absolute riot. The only positive thing I can say (and you do know I try hard to find something positive to say) is the black and white production. That might have more to do with the lack of funds rather than purposeful artistic impression.

What makes this particular video a little scary is this bitches not only sound like they find it harder to carry a tune than it is to carry dark matter but this video is from a music school in Italy. And have been studying music for years.

They cover, “Californication” by the Chilli Willy’s and to be honest with you, don’t even bother watching it. I’ve watched it once and to save you time and bandwidth, just ignore this video. HOWEVER, for those drummers out there, watch from ~3:14 as there is a sick drum solo. It does look a little forced and out of place in the song since the original does not warrant a drum solo nor should this cover which they have clearly butchered. The drummer during this period looks like he is having an epileptic fit. I am not sure who to compare this to. Neil Pert? Keith Moon? John Bonham? Next time he goes to attempt at another extremely poor (and hilarious) drum solo, get him to bite down on a piece of cardboard so the guy doesn’t swallow and choke on his tongue. The sound quality certainly hinders the song but the equipment used is also poor and should not be attempted by anyone apart from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.