2 Inches Of Fury

Something Worth Reading.

Beamsy’s Home Brew Diary

Beamsy is a mate of mine and I happened to find this rather brief diary I wrote when I was trying out his home brew about 6 years ago. He’ll never read this site so he won’t care what I say about his home brew.

Day 0: Tried Beames’ Home Brew
Day 1: Fell Sick from Home Brew
Day 2: Still Feeling sick
Day 3: I lost a limb from the sickness
Day 4: I can no longer talk
Day 5: I think the beer is ok. Wait, no, I’ve had to have surgery, because all the muscles in my face have stopped working.

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A Whale of Mediocrity

One thing I neglected to mention in previous entry is this Swedish band called Whale that had a hit circa 1995 which I still stuggle to see the appeal. The lead singer is a Brace face and about a sexy as sandpaper on the penis. It’s hardly fair to call it a hit either if you don’t ever find about it but some part of the world was going absolutely mental over this song (hard to see why, though). Her singing would be enjoyed by someone who enjoys the sound of fingernails down a blackboard. What scares me about this video clip is the look the bitch gives the camera when sucking on a lollipop and she is telling us, “Left for dead/Dead for good…” around the 1 minute mark and she gives us a coy look which suggests me she’s done that sort of work before. This is, “Hobo Humpin’ Slobo Babe” by Whale:

If you want originally, look no further. I mean seriously, do not look any further than the end of this comment because the next hit from the 90s will only anger and disappoint you. The video clip has as much originality and flair as the song itself which is nothing. How does a song like this be claimed as a hit? Clearly there was a whole different scene over in the States which the rest of the world couldn’t care less probably due the fact that this shit is mediocre at best and is a long stretch to be passed off as anything more. How did bands around the same time like Hagfish fail to make a splash when you get shit like this being some kind of hit? I think when they said hit, they ment made it to the top 100 at the time. How did the Lemonheads make less of a splash than this band? At least the Lemonheads had, “Shame About Ray”. The lead singer from this band is an Evan Dando wannabe. This is, “Banditos” by the Refreshments:

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Forget 12 Inches of Snow. Try 2 Inches of Snow. I think The 12 was a Typo.

Whatever happened to these freaks?
This video is from the one hit wonder from the early 90’s, Snow:

Jim Carey’s take on the one-hit wonder:

Snow tried to capitalise on his popularity by trying to milk it for all that it is worth. It’s what every artist on the planet does in hope that they can be more than the one hit wonder they got themselves into in the first place. However it all went disasterously wrong with this single. The problem being with this song is it less catchy, he does a half-arsed attempt at singing and if you had any objections to his major hit, “Informer” you will certainly laugh yourself stupid at even the concept of this song:

I really have nothing informative or insightful to say except this came in 1995 and while the album it came from mostly sucks, allmusic judged the album based on how many copies it sold due to the title track hit, “The Hotstepper”. So, what I thought I would do is write one really awesome song which would be #1 and then write 11 other songs which suck dick and would be too obscure to be enjoyed by anyone. See how that fairs. Snow did the same thing.

These guys were a one hit wonder also. Additionally, this video clip must have cost them a whole $80 so at a guess I believe these guys would have made a mint out of a cheap video clip and a catchy song. Between the obscure cartoon clips (which would have been free to show on a green screen) along with obscure b-movie images, some extremely suggestive images, them doing this half-arsed dance moves which could have been imitated by any in primary school and basketball - which was being a popular phase at the time with basketball cards and jerseys which these guys clearly capitalised on at the time, this captures the whole early 90s in a nutshell. Infectious? Absolutely. I can’t believe I am saying this but I bought the single when it came out at the time. I must have been in year 5 or 6 - I was 10 or 11. Why don’t they make songs these days as catchy?

The following video clip was ripe for Dave Chapelle parody. And seems a lot more forceful compared to previously videos. The best aspect of this video clip is the classy ladies swinging their posteriors at the camera. I wonder if their parents saw the video and were proud their daughter was on a video clip for a one hit wonder and felt proud for that split second:

When you call yourself Scatman John, well…one might go any which way with that title. How into scat is he? Does Mr. S John realise German’s have capitalised on a certain type of porn and named it after Scatman John? They call it scatporn. Coincidently, Scatman John had a killer porno mustache. Unfortunately, there are people who liked this song when it came out. I still think it definately sounds like scat to me:

You bunch of Rednex, you write one song and then dissolve into a mix of water and shit. Commonly known as sewerage. The thing is, these guys weren’t even American. They were Swedish:

Here is another familiar face of pop, it’s MC Hammer. We all know his one hit he had which was a rip on a previously popular song by Rick James in the 80s. So to recap, he became famous by covering a song which was popular, several years prior? Is this a demonstration that even by the early 90s they were runnin out of ideas?
I can’t help but feel a little guity for takin the piss on a bunch of artists who had one huge hit and then tried to make a career out of it only to fail at it and going back to what they were doing before their 15 minutes, which if you are MC Hammer was being a burger flipper at McDonalds. Been workin there about 6 years.
Anyway, this song is fuckin terrible. There’s no singing (or maybe this is his attempt at being more diverse which it is clearer than day this man is simply no capible of), no melody, has less personality than cardboard and the rapping is 3rd maybe 4th rate and needs a heavy amount of production to make him sound listenable (and even at times, that’s a stretch):

Around the same time was one white rapper who tried so hard to pretend he had street cred but the only credibility he had was at being a complete knob. He tried to act all tough and had about as much talent as a rapper as any other white guy who spent his whole life listening to rock. It was a piss take on the rap genre and if I had any interest in the genre myself, I would be deeply offended like Arseno Hall was when he interviewed him. The two videos I included are the only other songs which anyone ever paid any interest to apart from the main hit which he ripped from Queen/David Bowie. And look and those crackers - they have just as much street cred as Ice. Both vides here are covers but the irony enlies when one of them is a cover of his own song he just re-did to try and capitalise on nu-metal fad which seemed rather popular at the time (circa 1998). His cover of his own song is somehow worse which makes me not only embarrassed for him but I feel kinda sad for him that his creative talents will never be more than a rip on one song:

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The Whole 2 Inches On Youtube

Youtube is a great website. Let’s face it - in this day and age there is not another website quite as popular as it. Except maybe youporn.com, redtube.com, Myspace and Facebook.

I have to (well ok, I don’t HAVE TO but) trench through many opinionated nobody’s quite like myself. Except these guys demonstrate a lack of anything vaguely interesting or who clearly have way too much time feel the need to make videos of themselves in hope that someone would bother to watch it. Even their friends are relunctant to watch.

Anyway, every now and again you come across the classics that you just have to share:

You’re welcome.

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Review: Alvin & the Chipmunks - Undeniable (2008)

Do I really need to say anything? LOL

As soon as I heard this was on the market, I jumped at the chance to “review” it.
I think if you are going to review a classic album like this and let’s face it…as soon as the music execs I bet they knew they were investing into a winner.
I mean there are albums which are at the polar opposite of this released at the same time like Cat Steven’s, “Tea for the Tillerman” deluxe reissue. When you compare the two albums together it is very simple and clean cut which of the two albums is the better. One being a timeless classic in every sense of the word while the other is merely a fad which will peter out in time. Ok, that was a little steep of me, refering to Cat Stevens’ work like that.

Ok, so here is the truth.

I’ve heard more appealing music from a tone-deaf barber shop quartet getting enema’s.
Contains 14 shit tracks. Runs for far too long - 30-35 shit minutes. This thing has as much attitude and appeal than a barrel of stools. Allmusic gave it 2.5 stars yet, had the nerve to give the Vandals album, “Live Fast Diahrrea” only 1. Unoriginal songs being butchered to absolute fuck song by the most annoying voice since Crazy Frog (http://axel-fr.ytmnd.com/). I know if I hang out long enough (2-3 weeks should be more than plenty) that this music which gives a laxitive effect can be bought at your local 2nd hand CD store in bulk amounts for 50 cents a piece alongside Hanson’s Christmas album…well ok, anything by Hanson, New Kids On the Block…well, anything by New Kids on the Block and East 17’s…well, anything by East 17.

The only thing here which is undeniable is not only the lack of quality but songs could have been picked by a hick whose favourite genre was a God-aweful an R&B cross/mix with country and western. This album smells worse than a night on burritos, curry, beer mixed with burning rubber, 3 day old condoms and egg that have been out too long in the sun and expired mayonnaise.

Just be thankful I was in a kind and rather forgiving mood or else this review could have been more messier than a sewerage plant when the tanks malfunction.

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This Shit Is Genius

But this could only exist in Japan…

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Review: Jeremy Enigk - World Waits (2006)

If you’re wondering who the fuck Jeremy Enigk is, he was front man to Sunny Day Real Estate - legendary emo band of their time that were a little inconsistant in the way that the music and everything about it was spot on about the band, especially Jeremy couldn’t seem to find his place in the world. During this period Jeremy did a solo album called, “Return of the Frog Queen” which had some exceptional songs on it but only 9 tracks.

The band broke up and Jeremy (known to some as J-dizzle) went and found God. Yeah, I am not making this shit up. He really did. I found God once. Then the effect of the 4 hits of acid wore off, I sobered up and then I had to get back to work. J-man then joined up again minus their second guitarist as the Fire Theft. They did an album and a single then disbanded again.

See what I mean about the inconsistancies? Did I spell that right? Inconsistancies.

Anyway that brings us to this album. It’s a hit and miss really. “World Waits” and “Burn” is all that saves this album. “World Waits” is such an excellent song and well-overlooked by Allmusic.

After this album, he did one more album, “The Missing Link” which ties up loose ends.

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Review: Powderfinger - Like A Dog (Single) (2001)

This single is so bad, I have to handle it with teflon and a pair of gloves. What a complete throw away. It has a dodgy a-side and 2 b-sides which are even worse. They had a song a little later after this single called, “Love Your Way”. Not to get it confused with the extremely suspect and excruciatingly crap, “Love My Way”. Not the same thing.

And the third track is so boring, shit and quite honestly only for diehards who will even struggle to find something positive about it. And, WTF is with “The Miseducation…”? Who the fuck do they thing they are? Lauryn Hill? Motherfuckers.

I didn’t even pay for this single and I want my money back.

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