For this to make some sense, you need to know this: I put the feelers a few days ago to find an After Effects pro for my Carter’s Retro Reviews thing so I can do something new and not something blatantly copied from somewhere. Or at least a little more involved to watch.

This is my conversation with Tim:
Me:
So couldn’t find anyone who was an After Effects pro that could help a brudda out after I found a tutorial on how to create this intro that I love the look of. So I went to fiverr.com and found someone who didn’t just edit pre-existing after effects templates. Any fucking monkey can do that shit. Even me. But I can’t create a template from scratch.

Timothy:
ooo

Me:
So I found some kid from India who said he was a After Effects pro. And asked him whether he just manipulates pre-existing templates or would create new ones and in a very confusing way, he said both.

Timothy:
lol

Me:
I originally offered to pay him with a McDonalds happy meal sent to him in the post. HEY! Don’t judge. That shit will be in the same condition when he gets it as it was when it left my hand. So I paid him a fiver (which in terms of this site is 1 gig (like the term given to a band who show up and play a show not to the amount of computing space even though I would have put down gb not gig but just to separate the two)) and linked him to the youtube video of some guy who shows us how to do it and said, “I want this. Now go. And I don’t want it in that fucking mov format. An AE template is fine and so is mp4 and flv if you absolutely have to.”
And then he was like, “Do you have the template files?”
And I said, “I already know how to manipulate AE templates you pillock. I want you to MAKE the template.”

Timothy:
lol

Me:
And he was all like, “Oh. OK. Can do. That will be 3gigs.”
And I was like, “What kind of shit is this? This not the way we do things outside of India. Don’t be all say you will do something and then charge me extra. I asked you if you could and you said you could so I am giving you a fiver to do what you said you could. Now go.”
And he was like, “I will. For 3 gigs.”

Timothy:
oh snap

Me:
And I was like, “I will find your family and kill them all if you don’t do it for a single gig.”
And he was like, “And how you do suppose you plan on doing that?”
And I was like, “There is a guy on fiver who will kill someone at my request for a single gig. If you have 4 family members, that makes this almost cheaper to kill you than you to do it.”

Timothy:
lol

Me:
And he didn’t reply.
So I paid him the 2 other gigs.
And I think there’s a 2 day turn around.
I told the audience that I originally asked, “SEE? THIS is why your economy is failing.”

Timothy:
lol

Me:
To be fair, this conversation didn’t happen exactly this way. I just spiced up the conversation to make it more entertaining to read.

Timothy:
i suspect that
but if thats how it happened
I believe it

Me:
It went like this, “How much to make a new AE template?”
He said, “3 gigs.”
I said, “Here is what I want.” And paid him for it.
I like my story better.

Timothy:
lol
‘yeah
had more spice to it
go with the other version when you retell
makes you sound more badass

Me:
I am not going to retell.
Simply copy and paste from this conversation window to my website.