Hi Guys!
My inbox is overflowing with emails you’re not sending. I have to request from GMail more non-existing email space for the emails I’m not receiving. One of the emails I didn’t receive was about table manners. And since I am practically a professional in the business of table manners, I think I have the gusto to tell you what I know.
Right from the get go: Please and thank you. That is not a joke. That shit is serious. The amount of arseholes that do not even have this down pat is phenomenal.

So, there is a whole bunch of shit you need to know. And this doesn’t go as far as how to eat but also how to behave. If your arse is at a fancy restaurant (like Mickey D’s) and they have more than one set of cutlery, then you use the outer most set of utensils and move inwards. You thought I was gunna make a joke. Nothing breaks the ice like talking about bowel movements at the dinner table. And in the event it gets quiet and no one is saying anything, the best method to break this would be to do one of those farts that start high pitch, curve to a low pitch and then back up to a high pitch again. This is even more important if you are on a date. Especially a first date. Ladies love it when you talk about your poo’s and farts. Feel free to be a bit artistic when reminisce about the time you took a bog that was several days in the making AND as equally pleasurable as sex. It’s ok, I double as a professional in the art of dating.
You know what is a good one at the table? “QUICK! Pull my finger.”
If you can cup your hand in a way and place it under your arm, it produces a sound that can be enjoyed by all. Everyone will laugh and you will be the life of the party.
You can use your utensils as drumming sticks and do some air drumming. This shows your musical side without having to play an instrument. Most people won’t find that weird at all and will love you for it. This also applies to chop sticks.

A great little trick which will get everyone laughing is when you get a hotdog bun, put your penis between the buns, put it on the plate and offer it around. Everyone will think you’re just neat.

“But what happens if I show off, try to fart and shard myself?”

I hear you ask.
Well, this is a tricky situation. It is like a game of poker. You don’t want to have everyone at the table know what you’re holding. Keep a confident face. Even if it did sound wet. Don’t bother which such pleasantries as excusing yourself and do a mad dash to the toilet to change/dispose your underwear. No one will be the wiser. And if someone says something, play it off like it happens to everyone all the time.
You’re welcome. If you have any more questions, leave a comment.