I will look back on this moment in 10 minutes time and go, “Wii games? HA, man that was so 2007. Remember those motherfuckers? With those gimpy controls that make you look retarded when playing?”
Well, this is more a reminder for myself (and a warning to you) if I ever feel the need to buy a cheap game that I’ve played it before and it is not worth the $10 they’re asking for out of the bargain bin.
Cooking Mama 1_star.gif
What a fucking piece of shit. It is a cooking simulator aimed at small children. It is awesome that Nintendo (or rather, creators of the game) re-enforce the stereotype of keeping the bitch in the kitchen. It tells you what to do.

C’mon Kids! Let’s cook toast! What you need is a PHD in rocket science, some kitty litter, some bread, some anal beads, a banana and a toaster! YEAH!

If you’re older than 10, this game is not for you. It even goes through the motions of beating eggs into flour to create…some sort of food-based stuffs that morphs into other stuff that is enjoyable to eat. The only problem is to do the beating using the controller, makes it looks like the only beating you’re doing is the beating of your own dick. I question what would be more boring: Playing this game or watching me grow a mustache? It’s a trick question. Of course as I would prefer to watch my mustache grow. And then grow them into a handle bar mustache, get some tats, start chain smoking and a drinking habit and join a motorcycle gang.
Endless Ocean 1_star.gif
The only thing endless about this is the how the time feels when you play it.
The game tells me firmly with excitement, “Ok guys! Let’s go diving! YEAH!”
To my cautious and partially cynical reply from the Enya-sounding intro song is, “Ok, so what are we going to do?”
It replies in an excited voice, “We’re gunna swim forwards! Swim slow! Don’t forget to go slower when you rise to the top of the water! You don’t want the benz!”
“Are you shitting me? This is a game. I really have to worry about oxygen in the blood stream? Oh well, what else can you do?
“Watch out for sharks!!!”
“Ok, now we’re talking. What can the sharks do?”
“Oh, not a lot. Just keep swimming.”
The fucking end.
Dogz 1_star.gif
It’s a dog simulator. But ya know, without the responsibility of cleaning up the shit the dog leaves when he is eats something that doesn’t agree with him and he cops a dose of the squirts. Ya know what is more fucking bat shit crazy that people would want to play this game? The fact that it is one of Nintendo DS’ highest selling games of all time. Fuck people and their piss poor taste in video games.
MySims 1_star.gif
Another Simulator. It’s like Sims 1, 2 and 3 on PC except somehow worse with the cuteness factor turned up to 11. They’ve taken out all the parts where you have to look after the people. Now you just build shit and sleep. You don’t eat, poop or even build to raise your happiness. Build shit, don’t build shit…meh. It has no relevance to anything. If you don’t build relationships, you don’t become a social outcast and be left alone in a basement somewhere for you to carve that wood you once carved into furniture to now build weapons from.
Your character is always happy like those people at work who are there at 7:30 in the Goddamn fucking morning and so perky and cheery that you just want to make life hard for them until they sour up a bit so you can feel a bit better. To be fair, those cheerful and happy people are the ones who are still that way a little later on in the day when you’ve finally woken up and you start to like them more than the rest of those fuckheads who act like dicks all day long. It is just unfuckingnatural to be happy at such an early hour of the morning.

When I play more games, I will keep you in the loop. Consider this a favour.
And to let you know I am not dead yet.