I was reading the paper for a laugh when I came across the horrorscope section. I don’t know how much this wacked out woman gets paid to come out with generalisations that could apply to anyone but have people who actually believe this is even more amazing.

So, here are my predictions:

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Scorpio
October 24 - November 22
Lucky numbers: 9, Eleventy, Numberwang
You will die from a freak crab accident when you wake up and find yourself out in the middle of the desert. Don’t worry because there will be a cat on skis being pulled around on a motorboat in a lake. Or maybe that is just a desert-induced hullucenation.

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Aries
March 21 - April 20
Lucky numbers: 10, 99, 80085
In a twist of irony, you will die from trauma to the anus after being raped in jail. This was from being being caught performing the act of bestiality. The authorities DID warn you about this before, you sicko.

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Pisces
February 20 - March 20
Lucky numbers: 666, Pubes, 101
Ya gunna drown.

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Cancer
June 23 - July 23
Lucky numbers: 35, LMAO, 9235
Ya gunna die from cancer.

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Libra
September 24 - October 23
Lucky numbers: 1, S02, 983, AAA
Firstly, what kind of strange star do you come from that a naked man holding a weigh represents the time in which you are born? This week is going to be a very lucky day for you. You will get hammered and make a decision that involves making sweet love that is far uglier than you are. Oh, and I’d rug up if I were you. You won’t be her first like she claims. Those spots on her arse are not pimples.

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Virgo
August 24 - September 23
Lucky numbers: 77, Doodle, IOU, $30
Oh darn. I picked that this is going to be a bad week for you out of a hat. Such bad luck but if you think that is where it stops, you are sadly mistaken. You will die a virgin. It’s not because you’re ugly because even through the eyes of a drunk, you seem midly appealing. It’s your personality. It’s nothing personal and I am not generalising here when I say most Virgo’s are repugnant. It doesn’t matter who you are, or your ethnicity, or your childhood, or your gender or which year you were born, you’re all horrible horrible people. When I look to the stars, I sigh and think to myself, “Ok Virgo, give me this weeks prediction, you bitch.”

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Gemini
May 22 - June 22
Lucky numbers: 11, 35, QQ, Nipple
You will wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep again.
Rinse and repeat. Thanks, Weird Al.

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Capricorn
December 22 - January 20
Lucky numbers: Blue, 17, VD
Most Capricornians come from New Zealand. And well know what they get up to over there.
This week will be like every other week that involves a goat. How about this week you choose a Female goat?

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Sagittarius
November 23 - December 21
Lucky numbers: Any number, you lucky people.
You will die in your sleep at the age of 80. This is due to the fact that word got out to the ladies in the nursing home you live in about how big your penis is and how much of a great lover you are. One of the old dears slipped several Viagra into you dinner the night before and have been riding you all night long while you are asleep. You died from a heart attack probably bought on by lack of blood to the rest of your body, you very lucky man. In a turn of irony, your death produced rigor mortis and your body was suspiciously not reported for many days after your actual death from reasons previously mentioned.

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Taurus
April 21 - May 21
Lucky numbers: 20/20, Doodle, 30-60-40
This week is gunna be good for you. You will get a promotion.
Failing that, a buddy will take you to a bar and will get laid by more than one woman. Any week where that happens is a good week. Again, failing that, you will lose your testicles in a botched sex change. Whether the sex change was botched or not, you were gunna lose both of them, anyway.

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Leo
July 24 - August 23
Lucky numbers: Twenteen, Numberwang, Scrotum
You will be mauled in a freak lion accident. Which is strange really because you live in the heart of the city and never venture out.

If any of these turn out to be true, have mercy on our souls.