For those that don’t know, I am getting married next month.
And my best Man is going Best Man Speech crazy on me. He went to http://www.thebestmanspeech.com/ and found nothing. Mostly generic, mediocre rants which would be the equivelant of an interview from a football player after the game; there is nothing revelatory. “Uh…yeah…it was tough. And the defence was good but…at the end of the day, we came out on top and the team are happy with the result.” Which surprises me. Because I would have thought any sport which requires that much phsyical exertion would be easy. Would a football player be ballsy enough to declare their opposition had shit house defence? And I am pretty sure the team would be happy with the result whether it be good OR bad. Right?

He wanted something that will blow the crowd away. Something that will stand the test of time. Something that will make the crowd stand and applaud. He has the worst case of writers constipation I have seen since the end of this sentence. We’ve been friends now for 12(+?) years now and spent many good times together. NONE of which are worthy of telling an audience (Grandparents included) no matter how great the story is. As most of the hilarity in which all of our humour is based upon in-jokes, it would be next to impossible to make a joke that any one would actually get. So he is stuck in a hard place. He visits this website on a regular SO I thought I might as well make an entry out of by helping a brudda out which I know he will appreciate:

I have known Ben for about 12 years. I have known Sonja for about 3 of those years. Sonja makes Ben happy in ways that I am sure I never could. I am sure you don’t need me to draw a picture for you but for those who DO want pics, come and see me after this. The pictures are a little shady but you can just make out those involved.
I first met Ben in high school. He was a juvenile who found jokes about farts and shits funny in ways that words never could. Nothing has changed. Why, just the other day we shared a moment in which Ben created a dutch oven so strong that even outside, we were suffocating and questioned whether Ben had left something in the trou department that may raise a few eyebrows. We have been through a lot from drinking Rum together to drinking beer and bourbon together. From Eminem to Jay-Z. From Glen or Glenda to Coffee and Cigarettes. We’ve done it all - from KKND to Guitar Hero. From Windows 95 to Windows Vista. From spooning to reach arounds.
Ben has supported me through friendship and a classic case of blue balls with his infamous collection of porn. I was like a kid in a candy store. Except I’m a grown adult who is looking for something to beat my dick to. And if ANYONE knows suitable material, it would be Ben. I’m glad Ben found someone like Sonja because I know his history with women and the record was not great. At his rate, he’d be beating his dick like it owes him money for a long time coming.
His taste in music is second to none and has introduced me to bands that I now listen to regulary like Modest Mouse and the like. His taste in movies is also along the same lines. We’d drink boggs beer, watch movies and then hold each other.
And nerds? Oh how we would laugh.
And yeah…Sonja is alright.
Anyway, I wish them both the happiness they deserve.

And Best Man? You’re welcome. All I can say is I hope to FUCK yours is better than mine.