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I’m surprised I have never yet shared my thoughts on Eminem. He has a new album out.

I have very little time and sympathy for someone like Eminem. He’s a white boy doing rap like Vanilla Ice, except Vanilla Ice did it better with less street cred.

You either love him or you’ve tried to run him over with you car. Don’t worry, he gets it all the time. His music was supposed to shock and amaze which the kids ate up like pigs at a trough. Either you share your complete dysfunction, paranoia, lack of humor and disdain for the world that Eminem has. If you buy into the whole I-am-a-kid-from-the-streets-and-no-one-understands-me bullshit like so many other offensive artists before him have done, then you will love Eminem. The kids go, “No one understands him…just like no one understands me.” Yes, we get it - and no, you’re not misunderstood. No one likes you because you’re a dick. The critics said, “He [Eminem] creates a world like no other..” or “Forces the user into his own unique world…” has anyone ever thought there was a reason for that? Who wants to hear fucked up shit like that? I guess there is a massive market for it where the critics enjoy a bit of controversialism. He has this ability to take things too far and then play it off like some kind of joke. Then critics call this humor.

Eg. “I’m gunna kill your family. Cut, slice and dice your family into portions like KFC do to chicken. Simmer them in a blood sauce, and have no remorse. Burn your dog alive and then piss on the ashes. Then eat your family (and your dogs ashes) with a nice range of ‘erbs including , rosemary, thyme and weed; I’ll make sure they bleed. I am going to murder my girlfriend, put her in a body bag then into the boot of my car and drive my car into a large body of water where she will never be found. Just kidding - Ha.”

Except not as good as that.

He has been into hard drugs which acts as a method of self-pity to get through the emotional pain, but where I think he is going wrong is he is not doing hard enough drugs. Or he is not doing them frequently enough. ‘Cause he’s still alive. If this douche never existed, it would be one less thing I would take the piss on. His album ended up in the “1001 Albums You must listen to before you die”. Clearly a typo or misprint. Even allmusic thinks his first two LPs were of some worth. The world has it wrong. But if you feel compelled or have an unnatural curiosity, see what allmusic had to say.

The only relapse here is releasing more shit albums.

1_star.gif Consider this 1 star, really, one too many.