My brother has a book called, “Living with a Willy” by Nick Fisher. It’s a slice comedic genius. This shit writes itself. There are hypothetical situations and then the author writes an appropriate response to keep teens peace of mind. Everybody has been through at least one of the following problems. But I started to think, a wordsmith such as myself could surely write a response everyone would find both fitting and inappropriate.
I’ll give you examples.

I have a very bad problem. Whenever we have to shower after PE at school I always have to make excuses as I’m too embarrassed to shower with the other boys. This is because I have a very large penis. It is twice as big as some of friends’. Why do I have such a large penis and will it affect my sex life? I might be too big to fit in the girl. I’m only twelve, so what will I be like when I’m older?!?! - Worried Bad Boy

Oho: Sweet Jesus, kid. I know exactly what you mean. I was just like you when I was your age. This is not an issue. I used to parade it around and trust me kid, when you get a little older and word spreads, the easy women will be all over you like that rash you’ll eventually get if you don’t suit up. And if you’re with a loose woman, your big dong will not be a problem. Or if you strike it with a teacher, this will also work in your favor. If your first is a virgin, she might make a mess everywhere and probably cry a lot. This is normal. Those tears are only tears of joy so give it to her harder than before. She will thank you later.

I’m a 19 year old man and my penis is only 4.5cm big. I get really embarrassed when my friends boast about how big their penises are as mine is only small. When they ask me how big mine is, I lie. I have been asked to have sex with my girlfriend but I am too frightened to have sex in case she laughs and tells everyone about my pens. - Depressed

Oho: LOL. You have a serious problem. Glad I’m not you. My penis is only 4.5cm’s…around. If I had a girlfriend who was gaggin for it, I’d tell her straight up that I have plenty of ammo but I only have hand gun and if she still wants it, give it to her. You seem to have the polar opposite problem to what I had. I wanted to give it, but none of the ladies wanted any of it. Hardly an issue for you, really.

I’m 18 and I had a major set back recently. I met this girl on holiday. Everything went well until the last night when she asked me to have sex with her. When we stripped and she saw my penis, she laughed out loud and then went back to her room. I felt rejected because my penis isn’t up to standard. - James

Oho:I laughed really hard when I read this but at the same time, I felt for you. Oh boy, did I laugh. I will never know what this is like. But what is standard, really? Well, according to Wikipedia (the source of completely accurate material) “…the consensus is that the average human penis is approximately 12.9–15 cm (5.1–5.9 in).” So I guess that does mean you have a small penis. But don’t worry about her, bro. Hardly a major set back. She was a slutty bitch, anyway. I would almost guarantee she sees tourists like you and use you for the time you were here. And those penis pills, pumps or massages don’t work, either. Penn and Teller did an episode on it - all bullshit, apparently.

I’m 15 and I’ve never been out with a girl. All my friends have had several sexual relationships and they are beginning to think that I am gay as I appear not to be interested in girls. But the problem is that if I go with a girl, she find out about the bend in my penis. I’m very self-conscience about this and worried that I’ll never be capable of a sexual relationship. - Nathan

Oho:Clearly, you are gay.
By the way, that bend is called Peyronie’s disease after the French Doctor who discovered it 200 years ago. Dead serious. I am telling you right now if it is bent the right way, it works for you. Not against you. It touches a woman’s insides and gets to places a normal penis could not reach. It could be worse - you could have James’ tiny penis.

I am 20 and still a virgin. I think I masturbate too much. As soon as I wake up I masturbate and then after each meal. I also masturbate when I go to bed at night. Do you think I’m abnormal? - Steve

Oho:Yes, you’re a freak. It’s the only explanation. OR you could be a human male. Either or.

I’m a normal 15 year old boy who has a worrying problem. On my testicles and and underside of my penis I have got hundreds of little pimples. They are only tiny but quite numerous. They are normal skin colour don’t seem disgusting or obscene. They’re not scabby. Are they harmful or just natural?

Oho:Either your beatin’ your dick so hard, you’ve broken out in a heat rash or it is something else. In which case, I’d see a doctor.