2 Inches Of Fury

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Wiitype: The Next Batch of Wii Reviews

This is fucking killing my soul. Not rating games, just playing shitware. I wouldn’t mind so much if I was playing half-decent game after half-decent game. But what I am playing with are mostly tossed-off half-baked games, mostly. Wii games only just seem to be a little above average if you go through my last lot of stats. But that is not good when it can’t even hit 3 stars on average per game.

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Sengoku Basara: Samurai Heroes 3_stars.gif
After spending hour after hour on disappointing titles, it is nice to see a game that doesn’t suck as hard as critics say this game does. This is perhaps the first game I have played where I was pleasantly surprised after ANOTHER Wii game cops a harsh bad score from many other web game sites that it does not deserve. When you walk into this sort of game, don’t expect to have great indepth gameplay. I have yet to play a game where you wonder the fields and attack enemies in any different way to the way you would here. So that could be perhaps seen as unoriginal but if other games like score reasonably well, what is to stop this from doing a little better? Games just like this are all mostly the same for the Wii. You ultimately hit A and B in some form of combination and that is the entire game. Or swing the remote until you get a severe case of RSI. The graphics aren’t nearly as poor as what everyone has been banging on about. I guess when you come from the old school, any game to me which looks better than arcade games circa 1999 seems perfectly fine to me. Which most Wii games meet that criteria. Don’t expect the graphic depth of a PS3 although I don’t why you would compare apples and oranges in the first place. If you get 15 hours out of just hitting A and B in some combination to do different moves, that is good playability. What the FUCK is it doing to hold your attention for so long? Most of the enemies stand there waiting for you to hit them which means there isn’t a whole lot of challenge but if you stand there, they do take swings at you or stab you. There is something completely satisfying that I can’t really explain when you do 600 KO’s in a single level and 420-hit combos. There was mention that this game lacks polish. That is completely false as this game is shallow but the cut scenes and the intro movie are good and do not feel cheap as well as enough story to keep you wanting to bash the same two buttons to get you to the end. You can choose battle mode or story mode. And depending on which character you choose (there is like 8 or so to choose from), depends on a different story. There are cut scenes to explain the story and they all look nice. And you can choose your direction and give your character weapon upgrades as well. So, it is not a total dive like some critics think it is but still has plenty of room to improve.

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M&M’s Beach Party 1_star.gif
The controls are wanky and unresponsive. The games lack any sort of fun. Even when your character selection are M&Ms. The menus look like they are out of a website made in 1997. The only thing this game did is made me hungry and that does not register as any sort of positive emotion. Just a big fucking bucket of M&Ms. Do they come in a 1KG bucket still? I think AB sumed up this game when we were playing it in a group setting - “Oh man, do I have to?” When you are forced to play a game of this caliber so I can rate it on my site and it was a chore, then you know what kind of game you have on your hands. Unless you have an unnatural facination to collect Wii games, there is absolutely no reason why you would put yourself through this game. It’s still not worth it even if you find it in the bargain bin. Unless that bargain bin is free Wii games. And even then I would reconsider. If you are having a party and you have people around and you want to drain them of their will to live, this is your best bet. There was an out take scene of the latest Saw movie which sadly did not get included in the latest movie where someone was chained to a Wii and a TV and had to sit through playing this game for an hour or they could take the gun and end it all. The person chose the latter option.

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Puzzle Quest 3_stars.gif
Why does it seem that Wii games are an afterthought? This is clearly a port from the DS or PSP. The front is fucking tiny and even on a big TV, it still makes me strain my eyes to see what the fuck they are saying. This would only be an oversight on a game which doesn’t have much in the way of dialogue or text but this game has FUCKING TONNES of it. E’s look like o’s. The other quarm I have with this game is when I go to upgrade my person, it has a big box with a whole bunch of text in the road of me actually clicking the button. Moves within the game are also frustrating as you use the Wiimote to point and click like you would a mouse in a PC. This could possibly work well as a PC game but everything is so small and disproportionate that to move a gem, you have to move about 1-2CMs on the screen. And when you’re sitting back with this remote, it is incredibly difficult to move the gems around. The odds are already against you. I love this game on PC (or rather, I love the sequel on PC - titled Puzzle Quest 2, funny enough (one of my favourite puzzle games on the PC)) but had the actual game you use been bigger, the remote for the Wii might not have been such a piss poor choice. The thing is, this game is enjoyable still which makes it a bit above average. But too many oversights (and not minor ones, either) hinders this game more than it should. This had the potential of easily being my favourite puzzle game for the Wii with many hours of playability but most of that went down the shitter when you ported it to the Wii giving you the fucking worst layout and tiny writing people with perfectly good eyesight have trouble seeing.

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Wiitry: Wii Reviews

Before I rate these, it’s stats time!
124.5 Stars Total
44 Games So Far
2.8 Star Average

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LEGO Batman 4_stars.gif
Fuck I hate 3D platform games. My biggest complaint about this game and games just like it is camera angles. They have a special button to press to reset the camera angle which is both a good and a bad thing. It’s bad because you shouldn’t NEED a button that does that and it is good for when you get into situations where you can’t see shit. My biggest problem with this game is when you play two player, you become a burden to each other. This game is just the other Batman game I just reviewed like the other one in the sense that the fighting is pretty simple and straightforward (3D or not). The only difference between this one and the other Batman is 3 different aspects:
1. You have various suits your characters can jump into when you get the option during gameplay which alters what you can and can’t do which is new and different. In no way a bad thing as it requires a little bit more thought on what needs to be done.
2. The characters. Brave and the Bold had all of these DC characters that no one has heard of before. These have the classic characters we all know and love: Mr Freeze, the Joker, etc.
3. It’s lego. Duh.
The cut scenes are not as good as the other Batman title which to be frank is where most of the stars go for the other game. This time around, the cut scenes have NO voice acting but rather cut animation of the lego pieces doing their thing like in a Shaun the Sheep where it is not what they say that is funny but what they don’t say and how the animation is done. Don’t get me confused, the two types of animation are nowhere near each other visually, just in the method of delivering the comedy.

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Castlevania Judgment 3_stars.gif
This has the best intro to any Wii game I think I have ever seen. Most games on the Wii have a really underwhelming start and then progress from there. Even the big titles don’t really have an interesting intro. But when the FUCK did Castlevania become a one-on-one fighting game? As far as I knew, it was always a platformer. And a great one at that. I think the initial problem is you start with 2 characters and you have to unlock others. Follow the stories of each; which don’t seem to be as strong as I would have liked but hey, it is a one-on-one fighter game. Since when has story really been a strong point? You usually read the stories of the characters in the little booklets that come with the game or on the net or whatever. Does anyone know everyone from Streetfighter’s storyline clear enough they can tell me how it all interlinks with each other? Yeah sure, there’s a few of you. But you’re a freak. Let’s be clear. I chose the guy with the whip. And we could work out blocking and jumping reasonably easy but not the attacking system. I have tried combos of buttons but it seems there is only one attack button as they others didn’t do anything when pressed. It could be something to do with the classic control I used (which was supported and worked well when I pressed the buttons I knew that worked). It is still reasonably enjoyable when you start to play and unlock more features but it is definately not one of the better fighting games for the Wii sadly. I didn’t understand why it was so restrictive initially. Whenever you play any fighting game, you usually have a host of characters to play from regardless. When you have other ported classics like the Samurai Showdown series, the King of Fighters series, Tatsunoko Vs Capcom and the new Guilty Gear game to contend with this doesn’t stack as well.

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Virtua Tennis 2009 3_5stars.gif
Even though Wii Sports lacked depth it had what very few games of the Wii console could do: have good interaction between the controls and the game AND having fun at the same time. This game seems to lack the fun element and is really dedicated towards more serious gamers. The graphics are definately improved and it doesn’t suck as much cock with the AI of your opponents as it did in say EA Grand Slam Tennis. Grand Slam? No. Took awhile to get used to the layout and how the game played out. I hate making comparisons but Wii sports was the Flagship and showed to us what the console was capable of. It seems like every game since has not really captured entirely some kind of essence that game had that made it an instant classic. But this game is still quite enjoyable both in single player mode and multiplayer when you both work out how the fuck the system works. A nice inclusion is the multitude of mini games available. You can play some kind of bowling, Aliens game plus a multitude of other mini games available that I didn’t bother playing. There is still a certain something which I can’t really put my finger on specifically that really renders this game from being overwhelmingly awesome. And that is what every game should strive for.

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Super Mario Collection 4_5stars.gif
Imagine Super Mario Bros 1, 2, 3 and the Lost Levels all in one package. Sound awesome? You bet your left nut it is. It is a trip down memory lane and it will take some time to defeat all the old levels you once played. All of the games have been ported over successfully without any real problems. The controls are the typical “classic” mode which makes little difference to how it used to be. It’s not a complaint in any way as it could have been (somehow) easily fucked up with a whole host of problems. But, you can sleep safely in the knowledge that this is not an issue. The games in their original form were awesome. I mean, we’ve all moved on to other games to play. And while I thoroughly enjoyed re-playing Super Mario Bros 2 (it was always my favourite), so what? There are no additional items or mini games to play in addition to the 4 games. Apart from that small oversight, this package is awesome. You know exactly what you’re getting into and nothing more. If we had something extra worth buying, this would be the perfect package. Or else you could just go onto the internet, download the SNES ROMS and zSNES which would take you all of about 5 minutes at the most and you would get the exact same experience. The only small difference is this is on the Wii. Oh and that buying this game is probably a little more legal than downloading the games free off the Internet. That’s your call.

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I really wanted to like this game. It’s aimed at kids as you never die. You just start back from the last checkpoint should you ever die and if you get caught in radioactive waste, you just shake the Wii remote and WALLAH! You take a bit of damage but you get out. Unless you’re stuck in a pit and can’t get out. Instead of getting Radioactive poisoning and die quickly over a period of a few days from Cancer. You control each turtle (the worst being Michaelangello) each level (which all have their own distinct moves) except towards the end of the game which I have been told you get to control all of them. But by this stage, I had lost interest in the game after like level 8 or 9 as it ultimately became me walk through their pre-made cakewalk. If it didn’t get better by that stage, it was never going to get better. You get to climb walls and there were a series of maneuvers you could master which didn’t take much to and the only reason you would even bother is to get a better time score as knowing what to do was shown to you in the tutorial at the start. But during the game, I had to take a 5 minute breather sometimes as I threw the controller down in a tantrum when I got to certain sections and the controllers were being unresponsive or doing stupid shit I didn’t want it to - like crawl across a wall when I am trying to jump from one platform to another. Depending on how you did, you got gold turtles which could be used or unlockables. If you score an A, you get a mini game and a bonus challenge map. Which aren’t THAT much of a challenge. Instead of the game relying your ability to improve and get better at the game, you simply needed persistance and eventually you will get to the end of the game. The combat fighters were so basic, that the fighters had what was coming to them even if there were 10 of them on screen. Meh. I hope TMNT Smash Up is better than this disappointing game.

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People are gunna grill me for this but this game reminded me of MySims. However this is better than MySims as you had to do missions and alter your blue blob of crap. I just couldn’t bring myself to go around and to the missions required. I collected the blue gems for a bit, got into a fight with some sadistic monster/animal thing who will still be my friend after I beat the shit out of him (he was the fighting tutorial). After playing this for a total of an hour and a bit, I put it down. I probably won’t go back again. The missions at the start were boring as shit. And I didn’t forsee it get any more interesting than it was. Graphics were and the controls weren’t the problem. They seemed to be ample. The game itself wasn’t enticing enough for it to score higher. I might be wrong here but I thought the original game on PC was to build your spore and battle online. So I tried doing that using the Wii wi-fi’s ability. Wait. Where is that feature? It’s gotta be around here somewhere. It’s always in the last place you look. Nope, not in any menu I can see. The fun part was making your little blob thing look manky and watch him walk around like he is always going to fall over but never does and see how he fares out there. We unlocked (what I thought was) enough bits and pieces to add to my collection for it to pick up but never did. If this is one of those games I have dedicate hours to before it takes off, fuck that shit. I’m out. I got a plethora of other games that fun right from the get go.

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Ultimate Board Games 2_stars.gif
Technically speaking, the title is correct. Although I don’t know that many board games for me to go, “Naw, fuck this shit. There are better games. Like Jumanji/Mouse Trap, right guys?
Regardless, the board games they give you are plenty in the way that there are enough. But man, presentation is woeful and the execution of some of these games are just fucking retarded. How can you do battleships if you’re both looking at the screen? It doesn’t even tell us for the opponent to look away. It just gives me the battleships and tells me to go at it. And I am not sure how it worked because I bombed player 2. And then nothing. Didn’t matter what button I pressed, I could move the cursor and that was it. I followed the tutorial and everything. Chess, Mahjong, and checkers all seemed to work just fine. I don’t give a shit about Sudoku although they fucked that game up (as the developers haven’t ever played that game in their lives clearly). You put an incorrect number in and it tells you it’s wrong. WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously, that is half of the fucking game. You’re supposed to get all but 3 numbers and realise that in any combination, none of them work. Lose your shit and declare you won’t play it again. Only to come back to it later. Like a sucker. Or a heroin addict. The game presentation is so dull, it takes a regular board game and makes me instantly bored with it without even moving the first piece. If you are looking for a game that reunites me with my love of board games, I’ll go play the many incarnations of Monopoly.

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SpongeBob SquarePants Featuring Nicktoons: Globs of Doom 2_5stars.gif
I fucking love Spongebob. But I have yet to play a game with Spongebob that makes me as excited as an 8 hour Spongebob Marathon. And this game does not help. We played it for a bit and while the additions of other NickToon characters were nice, it just doesn’t add to the fact that this game is aimed at the wrong demographic. So my expectations of a game are probably not as low as say someone much younger who is more easily entertained. Although, I think it will be interesting as time gets on and more irresponsible parents plant their children in front of the TV with those same children being harder to entertained. It starts out with some nice cutscenes explaining how things are and in that sense, it is like a Spongebob episode. Without the humor. You start out in the lair and you’re all given weapons to attack the bad guy with which is a nice addition. But these nice additions only add weight to 5-10% of the actual game. The levels are extremely simple with them being spelt out to you. One of the few good things is alternating between the characters with each level. But after awhile, the levels are all reasonably similiar and there is nothing (with the exception of a few unlockables) that don’t really add up to make me want to continue playing this game. Even as a fan of spongebob, it is simply not enough to hold my attention.

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Wiiquel: The Latest Lot of Wii Reviews

Batman: The Brave and the Bold 4_stars.gif
Everyone keeps saying this game is boring or monotonous. But I see it this way: it is a cartoon episode YOU CAN FUCKING PLAY. And that is pretty awesome. To begin with, you have a tutorial which good and you have a host of moves at your disposal. The tutorial shows you all the moves you need for combat which are mostly unneccessary. This is because you can ultimately run up to a bad guy, keep hitting A and he will eventually die. This is the biggest problem with the game and while that might seem to be enough for most people to go, “NEXT”, the game has a host of unlockables. Not to mention really great cut scenes. And just to break up the monotony every so often, we hear the banter between the two characters which are not cringe-worthy or annoying like most banter in games seems to be. The banter also gives you hope to continue with the game because the boss is just up ahead. HE SAID THAT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. Oh, and the duration of each level is not particularly long. You have 4 episodes to beat 4 or so different enemies (Cat Man, Gentleman Ghost, Astaroth, and Copperhead) with 4 different sidekicks (none which I have ever heard before apart from Robin): Blue Beatle, Hawkman, and Guy Gardner. In a sea of 3D platform games, this is a nice break. All they needed to do was to make the AI harder and give me more enemies. There were at best only 6 enemies on the screen and if there wasn’t, it certainly felt like it. And when you have a sidekick, that doesn’t leave many enemies to fight per area. Some parts of these levels were more aimed at how the fuck do we progress? And less about kicking arse which is another facet of the game to make it a little more interesting. Even if those parts weren’t terribly complicated.

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I love one-on-one fighting games and I was under this false pretense that Sega made mostly good games. But this might start to become a thing of the past as I can not think of a single game for the Wii where I see Sega attached to it (except maybe 1 WiiWare game which I am not even sure really counts: Sonic the Hedgehog 4 Episode 1) that is anything more than mediocre. Oh sure, there are games but memorable? There aren’t many. I could just instantly dismiss arcade fighters for the Wii altogether as being shit but I have played my fill that demonstrate the Wii can play the arcade-style fighter as good as any other console if it is given the right treatment (Tatsunoko Vs Capcom). You select some generic characters that say some really awkward shit. If they were your friends, they wouldn’t be anymore. You would disown them for saying uncomfortable shit. The graphics at best are not even good enough to say, “That’s good graphics…for a Wii”. Moving around the ring is less strategy and quick movement as it is, GO FUCKING FASTER YOU PIECE OF SHIT. I limp around the stage like an old woman carrying a 30KG cock. I thought I just had a Juggernaught-kind-of character (even though he was only a medium build). But alas, even the quicker ones were still slow. It tries to be more strategic-based but doesn’t have that down pat enough to make it enjoyable. Oh, and you NEED to play with a classic controller. The wii remote and nunchuck are far too shit to control than a classic controller. Thank God there is an alternative with the classic controller otherwise most of these arcade-style fighters could have a lot to be desired. There is not a whole lot you can unlock, either. It’s not a bad game but far from being a good one. Average is the best this game could be described which is where it sits with 2.5 stars.

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This game is not terribly exciting. All you do is shoot targets. It wouldn’t be too bad if the actual game wasn’t buggy as fuck. Every couple of minutes a red cross would flair up on screen, freeze the game stopping me from shooting only for a second or two and when it comes good my cursor has moved to a different point on the screen. Frustrating when you are doing timed games where every second counts. The presentation of the game is average at best with menus only having the bare basics. I didn’t see any unlockables but for every level you can achieve iron through to bronze status depending on your score. I was able to get bronze (which you need to continue onto the next level) but the other medals seem impossible to obtain. The sound is some generic metal song in the background. At least this game is nice enough to give you tutorials of what you need to do each level. Even if it does repeat them when you repeat the stage (which is slightly annoying). Budget title? You bet your left nut it is. It even boarderlines on homebrew game.

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This game could have been better if it were on a different console, improved the graphics, improved the gameplay, improved the sound and it gave us more options. I guess what I am trying to say is it would be a better game if it were a completely different game. This game suffers from shitty controls like most titles do on the Wii. When you haven’t got the basics right, you know you’re in for a fun time onscreen. It is quite like Mechwarrior: you control a mech or robot (if you want to dumb it down) and there are different arenas. You get two robots to start with and then you have to unlock the other 6. Even in multiplayer, it was frustrating. We decided to do a co-op wondering how you could do that and they put the two of us into an arena with one other guy and the other guy kicked our arses for about 10 minutes before he was declared the winner. The AI was insanely hard, even on easy. The sound was instantly forgettable. The menus aren’t terrible but everything else about it is. The graphics themselves are laggy as fuck. It looked like we were seeing the game through 15 frames/sec instead of 25. Now I know the Wii doesn’t have a lot of processing power, but this is fucking riduclous. I have seen games with great graphics and presentation and they are not hindered by this problem.

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We eventually gave up on this game as we had to hard reset the Wii twice when playing it within a short amount of time. The menus and sound were pretty weak with a lack of options. The gameplay wasn’t too bad with beach volleyball being the best game of choice. Don’t get too excited, it wasn’t a terribly high bar to be set. It was ok at best. I’d probably have more to write about with this game if it didn’t continually fuck up. It had the potential to get a better score but if it DID work, it wouldn’t have scored THAT much better - even with the limited amount of playing we could fit in.

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This game made me hate life. This game felt like an episode of the Beach Shack. Except worse. It had a budget title feel to it and the sound was repetitve and annoying. The controls weren’t very responsive on ANY of the games available to you except skiing which was about as much fun as watching my mustache go. GO MUSTACHE GO! We played mini golf which is not that much fun in real life. Then you take that game and no matter if you are backswinging or swinging forward, it registers both movements as a swing. So you can’t actually replicate a golf swing. And if you can’t get that right, you might as well stick with the flagship: Wii Sports. You get the choice of 4 generic, blonde-hair characters. If these people existed in real life, they would certainly be douchebags that you would hate with your every fibre of your being and have girlfriends far more attractive than you will ever get. The choice of games are at best dull. Beach Fun? Well, they got the beach part right.

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Average. In every possible way. The menus? The sound? The controls? They all perform their basic function and nothing more. The graphics seem really generic and it is easy to fall off a race course. Multiplayer doesn’t seem to spice anything about this game up in any way. You can’t take shortcuts on the course and it handles ok. Nothing great, nothing poor, just ok. Why would you bother with this game if you have other great racing titles like Mario Kart? You wouldn’t. Even if you had money to burn, I wouldn’t bother with this game as it adds nothing extra and it is not even that much fun. The courses have additional things like storm clouds and whrilwinds on the courses adds a little bit. The AI you race against is crazy NES hard, too. Which doesn’t help your frustrations. At least you don’t have to get upset learning the game like I have with so many other titles.

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Technically this is a piss poor game. During the cut scenes at the start that poorly explain why we have a 12 year old nerd who is capable of buying a $3250 car and driving it contains no voices with the subtitles. Making this look totally terribly poverish. The graphics look fresh out of a game circa 1994 that I would have played on an old 486 and the sound sounds like it came from a game circa 1994 that I would have played on an old 486, too. The menu is totally shitty looking. Must have spent a whole 5 mins in MS Paint doing up the whole menu system. The AI is a piece of piss to beat. Also when you try and muscle other cars out of the road, regardless of what car you have, they always slow you down, drive you off the track or into a wall. And you can upgrade your car FAR too fast. I raced 3 times and came 3 twice and first one and was able to buy ALL upgrades to my car. I haven’t finished this game but give it a few more hours and I will. What makes me come back to this game is not the bad retro look. It is a tonne of fun and the controls aren’t shitty which is better than a lot of other games already. You can buy more new cars (when you unlock them) but ultimately the first car is just like all the other cars. Especially since you can beat the AI with it over and over. When you drive around the track, you collect power ups of some sort. I am not sure what all of them do or how to use them but it doesn’t take away from the game.

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The menu is fucking terrible. Before I have played a single game (of which there are 3), the menu makes it look like I am about to walk into a proverbial shit fight. But alas, I was pleasantly susprised. The three games you can play are Karous, Radio Allergy, and Chaos Field. All of which I have never heard before and while that ususally signals shitty games that never made it across the ocean, this doesn’t necessarily apply here. I have played far worse games than these three. Chaos Field is the most fun with tidy graphics and easy, intuitive controls. In fact, all three games feel more or less the same with some small variations. On Karous though, there is small intelligable font across the screen which gets annoying after each stage. All of them are pretty enjoyable and mindless shooters but they are no R-Type.

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If you have played these at the arcade, you will be happy to know the port across was successful. For those who have no idea what these games are, they were two arcade-style shoot em ups in the vein of the Virtual Cop series. You can play multiplayer or solo where you ultimately hold down the fire button and just aim where it needs to go. It’s a lot more exciting and the graphics suit the console as they belong to circa 1999. The arcade game had two massive guns on a turret and you just aimed loosely at the screen. This time, the port over has accruate shooting which would change this from 4 starts to around the 2 stars (at best) as the whole pivitol focus is on the aim of your shot. You don’t need to be a Counterstrike or a COD: Black Ops enthusiast to enjoy this game. Hell, I hate those types of games and love this shit. However, what prevents games like this from getting a higher score is the fact that they were designed to eat up kids money. Just like Dogbert sucks money from people’s pockets as they go through the bug scat cleaner. Which means the games are short. Woefully short. Beamsy and I finished both games in an hour. Replayability? Depends on how often you want to take a trip down memory lane. Not often? Then I dare say you won’t find much to come back to. After the first game we unlocked rapid fire which was ironic in a sense as that was the first fucking weapon’s abilities. But, rapid fire was better than the first and you could activate it by using the D-Pad. But ultimately, it was still the same game. Regardless, this was still highly enjoyable during its brief run.

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WiiTarded: More Wii Reviews

Geometry Wars: Galaxies 4_stars.gif
This game has a retro look about it that is quite awesome. Granted, it has been updated. But, in a time where video games are over-done to the eyeballs in graphics and lack the real thought that went into video games like they used to, this is very refreshing. I like simple games. You use the Nunchuck and the remote to point and shoot and move around. And surprisingly, it is not all fucking gimpy like most games that use that combination are. The only problem I faced was a little lag from my remote pointer going around to shoot bad guys but when I look at other sites, none of them seem to have this problem so it could just be my setup. Addictive? You fucking bet your left nut it is. To progress, you have to earn Geoms. To get Geoms, you have shoot shit. Usually your enemies are just shapes that all behave differently. Each level has 3 different medals you can win according to the score you get. I thought getting these medals were imperative but obtaining the Geoms are far more important to progress. Looks good, handles well, the menu is ok and its replayability will be dependant on how hardcore you are on these sorts of games as there are a lot of planets and modes.

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There’s 500 levels. That’s good.
But the backgrounds are average/not exciting. That’s bad.
Multiplayer supports up to 8 players. That’s good.
In Multiplayer there is no score except a 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc. So it impossible to find out how much someone is beating someone else. That’s bad.
You get different balls to shoot to eliminate whole areas of bubbles/balloons That’s good.
When playing multiplayer, anyone can win just by shooting randomly at the screen. Much in the way you choose Eddie Gordo if you want to look good playing Tekken. That’s bad.
I found the controls alright. Just point at the screen and shoot. That’s good.
The sound is the same song on a fucking loop. And not a 30 minute, multi-part song with interesting solos. It’s generic as fuck. In fact, it sounds like one of those guys who performs in Casino’s with a keyboard by himself and he sings covers and REALLY gets into it but it is embarrassing to watch him. The music is like that. That’s bad.
The first 100 levels were enjoyable. That’s good.
You’d have to be an absolutely die-hard fan to sit through anymore in a single sitting as it is repetitive as shit. That’s bad.

AMF Bowling World Lanes 2_stars.gif
Why would anyone even bother making a bowling game unless you’re gunna try and make it better than the game that comes free with the console (Wii Sports)? Unfortunately, it doesn’t add anything extra of worth that the Wii Sports doesn’t already have. In fact, this game’s gameplay is pretty shit. There is no strategy and the characters you can select are all stereotypes that say stupid monosyllabic phrases like the sort of audience that would be interested in this game drag their knuckles on the ground. The graphics are noticibly bad which says a lot since it is not only a Wii (which doesn’t have great graphics to begin with) but I rarely mention graphics unless they are truly piss poor. And the thing is this is only a bowling game. At least Wii Sports has 4 other sports to choose from. With this game, if you are unhappy with the bowling component, that is it. You get better pin physics from a free iPhone app. Not to mention the swinging is unresponsive. What makes all of this worse is this is a sequel to another game just like it. And it too is shit. Turns out that they learnt nothing from their first game.

Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Plus 3_5stars.gif
I own a classic control and was told when I turned the game on that I had to plug either the Nunchuck or the classic controller in if I want to continue. I didn’t know how the Nunchuck would work. Long story short: it doesn’t. What a gimpy fucking shitty control using the nunchuck. Use the classic controller. Without the classic controller, this game would be dead set shit. But I am reviewing this game as you would using a proper console controller like the gamecube controller or the classic controller which both works well. It’s a classic one-on-one fighting game which is not as interesting as say, Tatsunoko Vs Capcom. But, having said that there is not a great deal wrong as you have enough characters to play through and clock the game with. Graphics are fine. The game has several modes to choose from: Survival mode that lets you level-up as you go. Mission mode and Story mode and the emergence of team-based matches. Not to mention additional unlockables such as bonus characters and artwork. If you’ve played this game before, it is more of the same. Just make sure you have a classic controller. If not, it is still one of the best 2D, one-on-one fighting games for the Wii console.

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Wiiwind: More Wii Reviews

Kawasaki Quad Bikes 1_5stars.gif
I have tried to get into this game. I really have. I hated the Snowmobiles version of this game where you uncontrollably slide all over the place and I thought (stupidly) this time, we’d get away from controls issue because we’re on dirt. And while they have improved you from sliding all over the road a tiny bit, the controls are frustratingly laggy. I turn, it turns and after about an hour, I think I got the hang of it. But once that happened, I still couldn’t muster up enough interest in continuing to play it. There is nothing extra in the game apart from the courses which would be fine if it were a good racing game but unfortunately, it doesn’t even do that well. If I actually paid for this game, I would take it back and get the guy behind the counter to find a woman who will blow me for wasting my time. This game is that bad, I’ve re-rated Kawasaki Snowmobiles as well and taken away a star from it. Everything needs to be put into perspective. BUT, I’ve played worse games which is why this only gets 1.5 stars and not 1.

Data East Arcade Classics 2_5stars.gif
I am sure these games were absolute classics in their time but unless you are 40, own a Wii and enjoy remanscing about old times, I dare say this won’t appeal to the general demographic of kids who own a Wii. The thing is, not all of these games stand the test of time. And a couple of games are practically the same game. Not to mention that the sound of these games are bleeps and bloops. Don’t get me wrong, I love em old school and they certainly don’t make them like they used to but this collection of games are not really that impressive. The only two games out of the 15 made available that I really got into is Magical Drop III and Heavy Barrel. I could play games like that again and again. Magical Drop III is a Bust-a-Move-style game that is easy to play and tough to master and Heavy Barrel is a Commando-style platform shooter. It is not as refined as some of the other Neo Geo-like games. Street Hoop is like NBA Jam but not as good. Lock ‘n Chase is a half-arsed Pacman. Bad Dudes and Sly Spy are the same game with a different theme. That coupled with shitty looking menu can only make this collection of games seem lackluster. Without Magical Drop III and Heavy Barrel, I would heavily recommend to stay away - 2 old games is still not really worth getting excited about.

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Pass Us the Wiimote: More Wii Reviews

I have started a new category to try and find these a little easier since I got a Wii and will be doing more of these and since they aren’t together in a nice single area, you can now just click on the category and find every single game I’ve had the privilage to play. Ya know, if anyone gives a shit.

Kirby’s Epic Yarn 4_5stars.gif
Kirby went from being cute to being EXTREMELY FUCKING CUTE. Amp the cutesy metre up to 11. The first thing I saw when I got to the title screen was cute he was but when I showed the game to my friends, they seemed highly uninterested at first. When I showed them the game and you start to play, it sets the scene and really sucks you in. I am sure some extreme gamer somewhere knows how many Kirby games we’re up to now but this is definately one of his best. They have been very imaginitive and have gone a completely different route than before. Everything is made up of strings of yarn. And Kirby lassoo’s his enemies and unties them. It is really different and really amazing to see the new graphics. It is both intuitive and interactive where you can actually grab onto the background, lassoo and it will reveal a new and different outcome. The controls are spot on and in fact, this does seem like a variation on New Super Mario Bros as far as the feel is concerned but the difference in the graphics and the interaction is enough to keep your busy. The story line isn’t too bad but the cut scenes inbetween stitching all the worlds back up is both funny and really enjoyable for all ages. Even though it is aimed at kids, I still enjoyed it thoroughly. It has 2 player co-op in the exact same way New Super Mario Bros does where you share the same screen and can ride each other. What stops this from being a perfect game is the fact that it is relatively easy (as your character never dies in the game) and its duration. Even when you go through all the worlds again and gain the extra levels you didn’t get the first time, you should be able to knock it over pretty quickly so the replayability is shortened. Regardless, it is still one of the best games on the console. Although, with the list of other games I have lined up for me to play, I dare say I will be eating my words.

Mini Desktop Racing 1_star.gif
Meh. Just meh. The thing is, games like this one are based on games like Micro Machines Racing we had on the PC (or SNES maybe?) which were quite good games to play. Unfortunately, there are very few redeeming features about this game. If you can get past the shitty controls (B to accelerate and then twist your Wiimote like you would a key in a lock to turn), this might then be a 3 star game and be lifted to average. There are no mini games apart from the main racing game. The AI for your opponents is unchallenging. The tracks are narrow which would normally be fine. In fact, that would be something you would want in a game like this. But after the shitty controls I just found out I couldn’t change, those narrow parts of the track are now just extremely annoying bits of facefuck. It would be like paying $20 for a blowjob and finding out the whore is drugfucked and vomits on your dick. Which appeals for a very limited amount of people. Sure, they are out there. But I am not one of those. Really.

GTI Club 3_5stars.gif
It plays tight with the controls responding quite quickly with the feel of a Mini and has several different modes to change things up a little. You have time trials, driving with the traffic, gift mode (where you have to hold the gift on your car for the longest time), soccer game (which I found awkward to control) and one or two other modes. There are lots of flashy sprites on the screen to really give this an arcade feel to it and the controls only re-enforce that. You only really get two viewing modes which is a little restrictive but the default one should be enough for most players. The actual racing portion of this game is quite short (which involved courses all around the world: Japan, France, UK…etc) where I could actually finish and win all the courses in about a week of playing (a couple of hours every night). There are plenty of cars in game to earn and unlock (16 in total) which can give you something to aim for the during the game. In a multi player setting, I found that it was more or less the same as single player except with split screen without anything new or interesting added to the mix. This does not mean that it is boring as there is plenty of competition and interaction to keep you playing. Without these additional modes though, this game would have terrible replayability and might not have scored so highly.

Monopoly 3_stars.gif
Before I tell you anyting, how much do you love Monopoly? This review comes from someone who loves the game. But let’s be honest, we all know a game of monopoly ends: FUCK THIS SHIT, FUCK YOU ALL. I’M GOING HOME. I AM NO LONGER RELATED TO ANY OF YOU!! MAYFAIR?!? MAYFAIR?!? HERE IS YOUR FUCKING MAYFAIR UP YOU ARSEHOLE YOU PRICK. Followed by taking the board, flipping upside down and someone storming off perhaps to never hear from them again.
The controls are fine although it asks you to roll THEN press A which seems a little counter-intuitive because you want to press A to get rid of the message on screen and then roll. There are two main modes of play: the classic Monopoly mode, where the game is exactly like the popular board game, or the new richest mode. The Monopoly mode is just as expected; you can play with up to 4 players, with the computer making up the full quota of players if you don’t have enough friends. You can customise the rules to your liking, including the amount of cash you start the game with and the amount you must pay to bail yourself out of jail. You also have an assortment of boards (which admittedly I haven’t unlocked all of them yet) which adds some nice extra dimensions. The Richest mode of play is very different, there is no cash to worry about in this game, and it’s even more reliant on luck! The game is played in rounds. You can select 6, 9 or 12 rounds of play depending on how long you want the game to last. The AI is frustring as fuck to play against as it will land on NONE of your properties and you will somehow just by “chance” land on their property with hotels on it. FUCK YOU OLD KENT ROAD! HERE!! HAVE MY LAST $5. IT’S ALL I GOT!! My only other quarrel with it is the inability to skip the animation section. You can’t make this a fast game. Every roll takes a minute or two so when you play, you have to be dedicated for the next couple of hours into playing it. Mr Monopoly is irratating after awhile as he says the same things over and over. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME LOSE ALREADY. OK, I get it you’re trying to add your part in so you feel like you are an integral part but please do it quietly over there in the corner. We’ll call you when we need it. Before I started writing this review, I was going to give it 4-4.5 stars. But the more I thought about, the more angry I became. Now Monopoly is lucky it gets 3 stars. See? Take Pall Mall with a hotel and stick it far up your arse, you selfish, unfair AI fuck. Hmph, showed you.

Metal Slug Anthology 4_5stars.gif
To be perfectly honest with you, as long as they port the game(s) exactly how they are into the Wii and make the controls nice and accurate in the classic mode, I am happy as shit. And that is exactly what they did. Can’t possibly get this wrong. There’s a good half-dozen different controller configurations to choose from and the default works perfectly fine for me. The only other additional noteworthy aspect to this game is mid-game saving which only adds to the game. Everything else is exactly how you remember it.

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Wiiview: The Wii Anthology

Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat 4_stars.gif
People are going fucking mental over the new Donkey Kong and how it is going to be like DK Country was in SNES, etc. But truth be told, this isn’t half bad either. The story has never been a strong spot for the Donkey Kong games. All you need to know is some fucked shit is going down. You and your boy have gotta go out there and right some wrongs. The controllers always seem to wreck havoc on any good game and although there is some learning, I didn’t throw my controller down in a fit of blinding fucking rage and find a new game to play. The difficulty is just about spot on. They eased you into it without fucking you in the arsehole and assuming you are DK king because you may have played previous DK games (which is a dangerous assumption). The downside is that there is nothing new here apart from a few new maneuvers. For instance to steal the bananas at the end of the level, you do punching moves at the screen. I have mixed feelings of feeling lame and something different which was cool. Couple that with a seemingly lack of personality that previous DK games seemed to be brimming with (apart from filling the screen with bananas) and an edge that previous DK games made classic that this one doesn’t so it didn’t hold my attention for long enough before I felt the need to go back to DK Country and the like on virtual console. The thing is the game itself is enjoyable. On its own, it is definately one of the best platformers for the Wii when you see what else is out there. And that doesn’t mean there aren’t many good Wii games as this is still pretty good. But when you compare to it to any other previous DK release, this is just not up to the same blow-your-fucking-mind level of awesomeness previous DK versions. But if you compare it to the long slew of shitty other games. I just think that there is room for improvement which is why it didn’t get any more stars than what it did.

EA Grand Slam Tennis 1_5stars.gif
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. Just be fucking glad this didn’t get 1 star. My first annoyance is the controls, AGAIN. My biggest common complaint. When Wii gets the controls right, it usually turns out to be a highly enjoyable game. But it is a major hindrance in far too many games. Once you get past the controls (which you never really do), you have the added “feature” of the annoying commentary. Shitty catch phrases and mindless monosyllabic sentences, trying to catch the essence of the game but in a single player setting only making me more annoyed. They take all the fun out of it by your first opponent.
So you get past those two annoying items. What next? FUCK! I had to face that fucker like 20 times before I figured out how to beat him. There was no real trick to it or pattern to it - just perseverance. Talk about steep learning curve. This might be an alright game in 2 player mode so if you both suck, it might add another dimension. But ultimately, go play the tennis portion of Wii Sports instead. It’s more fun and you have more court to play in (as for some reason the court seems really narrow and gives you a very limited area to play shots). They stay true to the game (alley is out) which would normally be a good thing but with a combination of problems has made this game shit. Even dedicated gamers might find the controllers a bit too shit to try and even play.

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More Fucking Wii Games

Excite Truck 4_5stars.gif
This was one of the first games for the Wii. You can tell right from the onset that this game is designed for Americans and their love for over compensating cars. There is a lack of modes which is why this didn’t score 5 stars but the first thing I noticed is after playing game after game with shitty controls, this one handles really well. No matter which care you choose. Having said that, all the cars seem to feel the same when you drive them. The one thing you either love or hate is the unrealistic playing. The truck goes flying through the air and seem far lighter than they would actually be. I found that this with the combination of good steering made this game even better. Some people may pick at this and find it a hinderance. On some of the courses, I can spend most of the time flying through the air than on the ground. And then trying to get the rings through the air? So awesome and surprisingly satisfying.
And it seems after awhile that the achievements section is only a way to make the game forceful replay ability; simply adding filler. Eg. You have to obtain ‘S’ on all the courses in order to get Super Excite mode. The thing is, while the game is short it is certainly fun for its brief run and after the slew of shitty games with shitty controls I have played, this is definitely one of the better games for the Wii. More tracks or some fun mini-games might have probably tipped this over into the 5 star section.

New Super Mario Bros Wii 5_stars.gif
Remember the old school games you used to play on your SNES? And remember how good they were? Well, I never really got erectile over Mario64 but this time around, they have made a new Super Mario Bros that definitely appeals to me. It has all the old school elements with a new bunch thrown that is both inventive and improves the game. The gameplay is as good as it always has been. This time around they don’t feel the need to give you wanky Wii controls - just the old school two button deal. The game progresses at a reasonable rate. My only complaint? I found multi-player frustrating as fuck (even when it is a co-op) when I play it with the wife. She bounces on my head or gets in my way and vice versa. This could be that I take playing games way too seriously but ah, fuck it. It is not enough to take away from this game whatsoever. This is definitely one of the best Wii games on the console and there aren’t many things you won’t like it if you liked the old games.

Samurai Warriors 3 3_stars.gif
Think of something fun. This is not that. It gets old, quickly even though I love the format and it could have been destined for greatness if it wasn’t so repetitive. I killed 500 guys in the first level on easy. I turned up the difficulty and they don’t really do much more than what they did on easy. On Normal and Hard they are now fighting back a little bit but the AI is pretty shitty.
Now having said that, there are different modes, different characters and ways to upgrade your weapons and armor which is all positive and a step in the right direction. Then you get in and start actually playing the game. I felt like they just copied and pasted the same interaction on different backgrounds and different bad guys who are reasonably easy to beat. Plus, you never get a true sense of when you are facing a boss of some sort in the armies of other men. Your boss just seems like a more powerful man in a sea (of) men. Super moves are a nice touch but it is not entirely clear how you can build the super moves up quickly or what I do to build it up apart from killing more guys which seems to be part of the problem. The other shitty thing is the camera angles which is something I can’t really fix for some reason. At least in Bikini Zombie Slayers I could use the + and - buttons to fix their camera angles.

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