2 Inches Of Fury

Something Worth Reading.

Cinemassacre

cinem.jpg
How many followers do I need for people to start donating towards my website?
I was watching the latest in AVGN and noticed he gets anywhere between 11-230 comments per update. And while the videos are quite entertaining, he is not THAT funny. This video covers sequels which were not that bad (even though there were one or two in that list that I have actually seen which were pretty fucking terrible. Or this review of Maximum Overdrive: both the best and worst movie of all time AND the only movie ever written and directed by Stephen King. Maybe he should stick to writing books.

Add a comment(2891 views)




Chick Flicks Cop 2 Inches

Or if your Boggs, “Dramas”.
Anyway, in the last say, 10 years, there seems to be far more than any other genre. I can only assume this is because they are cheap to make or scripts are $100 to purchase from starving script-writers (with the empty promise of more money) and they have a good return on investment.
I put together a short list which not only encapsulates the Chick Flick genre, but just goes to show that your regular audience (female or not) will eat up just about any cliche-ridden piece of shit film instead of watching something both interesting and a little outside of the box.

a_thebackup.jpg
Back Up Plan
This movie is about settling the fuck down and taking a tonne of chill pills so women’s biological clock doesn’t get out of hand. Surprisingly enough, it has a happy ending. Oh, I’ve never seen it but that is how they all end. Prove me wrong.
a_lettersto.jpg
Letters To Juliet
OMG! She sets off to find her old flame. But will she find her? Yes, she does. Happy ending. No she doesn’t, but it is equally romantic idealistic memory will last with her forever. This shit writes itself.
a_whenin.jpg
When In Rome
Kristen Bell is kinda hot but has this facial expression which scares me. And that facial expression is one of 3 expressions she has in her range of expressions - happy, confused (which is often mistaken for sad) and fucking scary. This is the first movie I know of that makes me like Will Arnett a little less. Someone has to go New York, Italy or France to encapsulate a romantic vibe to the movie. Can’t it be possibly set in a less stereotype area of the world? Like Dachau? Or Chernobyl? No, because that would force the writers to dig a little deeper for more intelligent and romantic things to say.
Valentine’s Day
So crammed with characters, there isn’t a single character interesting enough to hold our attention for the full hour and a half or even half the characters. So they have to fill it with celebs in order to get someone to fucking show up to the cinemas with their boyfriend or husband who expects to get laid after sitting through 1.5 hours of generic nonsense.
a_dearjohn.jpg
Dear John
Man, this looks filth. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and only makes them yearn for each other even harder. Which is fine except this movie only deals with that. What happens when they have been together 30 years and all the ideals never happened because Channing never rugged up, knocked her up because Seyfried forgot the pill and have been financial debt for their life time and couldn’t afford to continue the romance.
a_bridew.jpg
Bride Wars
It is probably my strange take on the world, but I can’t imagine too many men going, “A movie about two bitches going at it over a wedding? That sounds like a great idea.”
Then watching it and going, “My only complaint with that film is it was too short. They could have made that competition at least another hour and a half of shitting on each other. Easy.”
a_mylife.jpg
My Life In Ruins
She has lost her mojo. This is commonly called womanhood. No need to fucking make ANYONE sit through this, bitch.
a_mysisters.jpg
My Sisters Keeper
At least this one ends on such a depressing note, you are likely to end up on the news.
a_uglytruth.jpg
Ugly Truth
Women think emotionally, men think with their cocks. This is not new. They work it out and the relationship succeeds. The end.
a_satcthemovie.jpg
Sex and the City: The Movie
The TV show was hard enough to sit through. It’s not really sex and there were shots of the city so I guess that might half true. They should call it pseudo-sex and the city.
a_noreserva.jpg
No Reservations
It’s a double entendre for not having a table AND coming to a date with no expectations. Wow, genius.
Meet Bill
Let’s not. By the time you become someone who is not apart of the scenery, we still don’t care about your relationships or well…anything that happens in your pathetic life. Even Patton Oswalt from Big Fan is less pathetic and that was intentional.
a_molly.jpg
Molly
Who?
a_sweptaway.jpg
Swept Away
Ok, I have actually sat through some of this. Not all of it. It got to a stage of absolute intolerable bullshit. This movie is as bad as they say it is. Madonna can’t act is the main complaint on top of such a boring story. It certainly does not complement Guy Ritchie’s resume.
Love Happens
A self-help guy and some chick. Find each other. According to Margaret Pomeranz (critic), they don’t even focus on the potentially interesting part of the self-help guy. They were too busy on dull storyline. Plus, let’s be realistic here for just a second - Jennifer Aniston swearing off men? I highly doubt that. Her vagina has seen more action than a Jason Statham film.
Love ‘N’ Dancing
I like Jazz. Could be its own saving grace. But I doubt it.
a_ihatevalen.jpg
I Hate Valentines Day
Even though I have a hatred for run-of-the-mill films, that does not mean I hate Valentines day. My wife and I agree to do something small where she feels special and I feel something in my pants. A win/win situation. Which sounds more appealing than this sour protagonist.
a_hesjustnot.jpg
He’s Just Not That Into You
I have such a no-bullshit approach to relationships. I am not saying it works 100% but it would certainly cut out all the mystique and hypothetical questions that plague movies like this. Will he? Won’t he? Give him 3 days. After that, find someone else who is nicer, more compatible and better looking. Can’t women accept that he doesn’t think you’re hot enough to stay with his whole life? Men are as shallow as they come. If you’re not much to look at, better hope you find a guy who is equally as ugly or sees something in you that no one else does.
Failure to Launch
I am sure there has to be other people out there who think Sarah Jessica Parker is both odd to look at and fugly. Regardless on how second rate Matthew McConaughey is, he is far better looking than you with your unrealistic expectation of men attitude, Sarah. Can’t go too wrong with Kathy Bates, although everything else about this begs to differ. I am hoping for at least one well-executed double entendre.
a_ghostsof.jpg
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
If you use women, they will not have a terribly positive memory of your existence. But no, he finds his way and finds “the one” in his path. Saved you 1.5 hours of sitting through.
a_didyouhear.jpg
Did you Hear About the Morgans?
Yes, I did. I heard they were forced into some sort of relationship, didn’t get along and now after going through some done-a-million-times-before scenarios, they are now together and having a million babies.
a_answerman.jpg
Answer Man
Some fucked up people go searching for an author who wrote a book 20 years ago that has incredible insight and depth. They find out that their answers were in front of them all along. Sound fucking familiar?
a_foolsgold.jpg
Fools Gold
Fools gold is exactly what this is. You think you have a good film on your hands, well guess again. It’s a lemon. Worth absolutely nothing. Unless you do not put a price on your time.
a_newintown.jpg
New In Town
She is RenĂ©e Zellweger. I’d do her in a second. This not only makes me sad in pants but attractiveness is hardly the reason why you sit through 1.5 hours of them doing a routine story.
a_proposal.jpg
The Proposal
While Sandra Bullock is plain Jane, she is also smokin hot. This is another one for the pile.
a_twilight.jpg
Twilight
People went fucking spastic over this movie ten times over and women the world over thought the protagonists were hot. Somehow being a vampire is sexy. The only thing this movie proves is back in the day, vampires used to suck blood. Now all they do is suck dick. Fucks me if I can see the appeal. I wish I could even explain the mentality behind this as vampires are the new wave of fashion (mix by Regurgitator). I guess people have poor taste in both film AND men.
a_newmoon.jpg
Twilight: New Moon
This according to RT is worse than the first. I never saw the first movie and by logic this is worse, I can only imagine it gets better from here. Well, think of it this way - once you hit the bottom of the barrel, you can only go north. I could be eating my very words in a month or so when the new movie comes out, I see the 2 minute preview and forming a completely accurate opinion on the next film deeming it somehow worse than this film is. You don’t have to be a genius to realise how shit this film is going to be without seeing the film or even the previews.

Please keep in mind I have not seen any of these (except where specified) so if you have, leave a comment so I can mock your taste.

1 comment(2339 views)




Movie Snapshot

Sexy Beast - 63%
Surprisingly short film. The most interesting thing about this film is the movie is less about our protagonist and more about Ben Kingsley - a member of the mob who is sent to Ray Whitestone to recruit him for one last job even though Ray has retired from being a mobster awhile ago. Unfortunately, that is really where it stops. As far as the story is concerned, it was so very straight forward and not a great happens. If you are going to be a Guy Ritchie wannabe, this is not a bad start considering Ritchie has only really made 3 movies really worth watching. The critics on RT was giving it recommendations on the basis of its script and Ben Kingsley. Which if you use the word “fuck” every second word to give the authentic mobster feel, you might be correct but even though they are spot on about Ben Kingsley’s performance, I don’t really have too much else to recommend here.

A Complete List of my Sexual Failures - 46%
It starts out as a dude trying to go back to all the girlfriends he has lost over the time (and man, there is fuckloads which leads me to believe anyone out there can find someone) and find out what it is he does (or doesn’t do) to make all his previous girlfriends break up with him. If we assume everything here is not staged, the film has moments of uninteresting filler. Our main character, Christopher, seems like he is missing a personality. He says some pretty outlandish stuff to these women which makes me question how he gets a girl to begin with but until his Mum comes into the picture, none of his ex’s really wanna see him. We find out he has been having erection problems (which was my first guess as to why all of his relationships fail) since the breakup of his longest-lasting relationship which seems like she misses him, too. They don’t get back together but something else happens. The series of events which unfold boarderlines on interesting/funny and bored out of my fucking mind.

Shortbus - 57%
This movie ended up in the news due to frequent nudity and hard fucking scenes. In this day and age, it’s gunna have to take a lot more to shock me. It’s too hard for softcore porn but not hard enough to be regular porn. The storyline is not bad and there are moments which careen between really great and the mediocre but ultimately, it is about the characters: an American-Asian sex therapist, a gay couple, a stalker, some dude who wanna bangs the gay couple and Jennifer Aniston. Although to be fair it’s not the Jennifer Aniston we all know. You find out that all of these people are six ways from fucked in the head (except for one of the dudes in the gay couple) and the Shortbus is just this place where weirdos get together and hangout or fuck each other depending on what you’re in to. To be vulgar, there really was too much gay sex and cock for me to enjoy it without cringing. It’s not to say I am a homophobe but what they do in their own privacy is entirely up to them. Don’t film it and pretend it’s art. It’s not bad but not incredibly good, either. The highlight of this film is actually the city shots.

L.I.E. - 56%
This movie explores the relationship between a boy without a Mum (she died on the Long Island Expressway (L.I.E.)), a shonky-as-fuck Dad, a gay friend and a pedophile. I understand the film and how a relationship develops and how this man takes care of the boy but I was really expecting something far worse when I read the synopsis. He’s not a troubled kid but just hung around the wrong crowd. Our protagonist’s friend, Gary is a theif and does regular robberies around the area. The movie plods along at a reasonable speed with not a great deal happening to keep you interested but this is not that kind of movie. The relationship of the child really seeking a Father figure and found a pedophile instead has an interesting spin but as a whole is not interesting enough. The ending of the film was rather abrupt and felt forced as a method to give the film closure.

Add a comment(2639 views)




Movie Snapshot

THX 1138 - 75%
George Lucas’ first attempt at film and certainly a great subject. Anything that explores a totalitarian society is good by me unless you are incompetant at making a film which will have the obvious repercussions and be put into the shit pile.

The Silence of the Lambs - 85%
Would have got a better score with Jody Foster did a better accent. Anthony Hopkins does an amazing Hannibal Lecter. Creepy yet enticing and not scare-the-shit-out-of-you-with-cheap-”boo!”-methods.

Roger & Me - 74%
Flint, Michegan - the home of Michael Moore. Wrecked by the closing of the GM factory which was funding just about everyone in it. It doesn’t matter if you agree with any of his politics, he certainly portrays a strong message regardless and you can’t help but feel for those he decides to focus on. With Michael Moore, you have to take nearly everything he does with a grain of salt as it has been proven he will do just about anything to prove a point regardless on its factuality. It does help that I do agree with his side of the story.

Bolt - 80%
HOLY SHIT! How fucking cute is that hampster? Most of my scores goes to the hampster. If you have no idea what I am on about, watch the movie. Or re-watch the movie if you’ve already seen it. It is a pretty straight forward story but the characters are so lovable, you’d have to be a complete dick not to love them. The premise is simple: A dog who thinks he has super powers gets out of his environment and shit just happens to fall his way until he gets in too deep. Stuff happens and then…BLAMMO! Happy ending.

Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny - 76%
I love Jack Black and his energy. It has regular stoner jokes but man, it a cameo with Tim Robbins in it! Call it a guilty pleasure but if you were looking for a movie of challenging intellect, look elsewhere. If you like Jack Black, then you will know what to expect and this lives up to that expectation. It is better than just about most Jack Black films he ends up in and I love the D’s music.

Reno 911 - 47%
Hilarious first 30 minutes of the movie which is roughly the duration of a TV episode. It would explain why I do like the TV show so much. Unfortunately it does not keep the jokes up and the story is not really interesting enough to warrant a reasonable score. Had they kept up the comedic greatness of the first 30 minutes of the movie, we’d have a winner on our hands. Unfortunately, we do not. The movie stays true to the characters which is both a great thing and also a limitation. If you plan on watching this, watch a season of the show first. It might explain the mindset a bit better.

Add a comment(2558 views)




Movie Snapshot

Waiting for Guffman - 77%
RT claimed this was Christopher Guests’ best work to date. It was clear from the get go that St Clair (Guest) was gay and there were subtle gay jokes amoung other things but man, this is no A Mighty Wind. Better than For Your Consideration but this movie is about a failed New York stage producer/director who moved for Maine, Massouri several years ago to be a drama teacher at a high school. He then has been asked by the Mayor of the town to host the play about Maine for the150th year anniversary show day. He uses all the same characters we have seen in every other Christopher Guest film. I found comedy was good and the characters were also good but perhaps not great like they were in A Might Wind. With any film, you get a vibe and I got a better vibe from A Mighty Wind than I did with this film. If you are going to see ANY Christopher Guest film, watch Spinal Tap (which was actually a Rob Reiner film) then watch A Mighty Wind as you might find similarities but it is almost like a sequel with a different theme to the same template used many years before with equal amounts of success. I found the success is actually with the three leads - Harry Shearer, Michael McKean and Christopher Guest which appear in both films but do not appear in this one.

The Eyes for Tammy Faye - 78%
About a simple country woman who connected with people and fell in love with (and married) a man (Jim Bakker) who created their own TV network called the PTL (Praise the Lord) Network. This is no satire. They built a religious empire and reached out to a lot of people but as you could probably predict shit got out of hand. Jim was done for embezzlement and Tammy was addicted to Ativan. The only thing stopping this documentary from getting a higher score would be the pacing which starts off real well and covers a lot of what goes on but towards the end it peeters out. And they almost brush over all the controversy (one-sidedly) that would make this even more interesting) and then spent too much time worrying about her life later on when it was less interesting.

LA Confidential - 90%
Really good film about police corruption and cops orchestrating the criminal behaviour within California in a throwback to 50s-style. It takes time to explain the characters and the story so the story naturally plays itself out. 3 main cops - one cop (Crowe) who had a father who used to beat his mother and is now trying to get revenge on ANY man who mistreats women, one cop (Spacey) who sets up famous people in order to make himself more famous by giving stories to the local magazine writer (DeVito) for the pay throwbacks and the final cop (Pierce) who is only new who is devoted to doing better than his father and seeks the truth for what really happened. It all extends from a two murders that have more than meets the eye and the more each cop reviews and researches, the more that is uncovered. The thrill portion is high, the story keeps you on your toes and everything is in its right place.

Zack And Miri Make A Porno - 61%
Being a Kevin Smith, I have a certain level of expectation and this should have had more stronger jokes. A guy and his housemate who have been friends for as long as they can remember make a porno to make ends meet and hire some locals to assist with it. It is convenient that the housemate happens to be Elizabeth Banks. How they should have done this is Zack and Miri Make a Porno and take out Liz Banks and replace her with some repugnant chick. Some woman you would never want to make love to in a million years. OF COURSE you would make a porno with Elizabeth Banks - you’d make ANY excuse to have sex with her.

Add a comment(3218 views)




Movie Snapshot

A Serious Man - 67%
I can see how people would not like this film. It has the typical ending to a Coen Bros film where it ends just as a whole bunch of things are going to happen and we’re not quite sure the outcome. They pulled this shit with Burn After Reading but with Burn After Reading, it was quite clear that if they took it as far as they could for it to be interesting and left it at an interesting point. With both films, you had strong characters which is always contributes to the direction of the story. Essentially it was a week into the life of a brilliant Mathematician who had bad shit continually happen to him. There is both a tragedy and a comedic aspect to this film. The biggest part of this film is the theme of Judaism. And here in Australia, it is not as prevalent as it is in the States and there could have been some Jew-related jokes that went over my head and the theme didn’t relate to me nor appeal which could have led to a higher score. I was expecting our protagonist to fucking lose the plot Falling Down-style but the worst that came to it was him breaking down into crying at the attorney’s office.

Worlds Greatest Dad - 70%
Robin Williams is a failing writer, a loser and Dad of a son who was not only a douchebag but an outsider who dies by Auto-Erotic asphyxiation. He covers up his Sons death by writing a suicide note and make it look like Carl (his son) killed himself (which is sort of true) to cover up what really happened. The suicide note leaks to everyone at school and is printed in the paper and effects everyone. Needless to say the lie gets out of hand and Robin Williams tries his best to cover it up.
Robin Williams is not a stranger to dark comedies (see Death to Smoochy) but this is better than that film. The comedy is not always prevalent but it is a good story with good characters. The ending isn’t the resolution I wanted but you can’t have everything. Still a good film.

The Informant - 55%
Matt Damon plays his character well. Comedy? Not really, no. I was more frustrated than laughing. It had a retro 70s look to it but was based in the early 90s. Was that supposed to be part of the joke? What made this movie get 55% instead of something more abysmal is the fact that it kept me guessing which is good - is what he said truthful? But eventually, you find out that very rarely is he EVER telling the truth which leads me to the frustrating part. Why does he tell these lies? It’s never really quite answered. They say he has bi-polar but it is done in such a way that we believe the character believes he has bi-polar to assist in the piles of lies he adds to.

Add a comment(2091 views)




Movie Snapshot

For Your Consideration - 40%
Another Christopher Guest Film with the same group of actors from A Mighty Wind. It’s about a b-movie where certain actors movies throughout the film are going to receive an emmy for their role in the film. And each character gets an ego stroke and each character behaves differently. However, the kicker is the person who was not told he receiving an emmy gets a nomination - big whoop. RT is pretty spot on this movie. The laughs are few and far between and the charcters are nowhere near as likable and the general vibe of the movie is not a good one especially when you’ve just the really get A Mighty Wind. There is some commentary on the movie business but it is not daring or extreme enough to make me sit up and take any particular notice or nothing we didn’t already know.

The Hangover - 55%
I was expecting this to be better than it actually was. Critics were saying, “This is actually good”…like they were inticipating another incipid getting-fucked-up-and-finding-out-stuff movie which has been done to death. People were going on about how funny it was and their favourite parts like there were too many to choose from. The funny parts weren’t that funny and were not frequent enough. The problems that arise are mostly pretty blantant before the night even starts. Stealing a tiger is pretty extreme but it was not terribly funny as you need more than turning up with a tiger in your toilet to deem it funny and had heavy reliance on slapstick (more than it will admit to). The circumstances are not all winners and the taser scene which was kinda funny has been done before. It certainly does not help but I really do not like Bradley Cooper. I wish I knew why but he is the good looking jock like he is in every other film he is type-casted for. Allen is a good character and I relate with him the most out of all 4 of them but I could see that these 4 guys not really getting extremely out of control.

54 - 43%
This movie came out just after the first Austin Powers film so if you were expecting something along the same lines, you are in for a rude shock. I think RT really rated this one a little harshly and it does stick with me which is a positive in one or another. It is certainly not a great film nor mediocre. It’s certainly not a bad film but somewhere in limbo there. When Ryan Phillippe pulls up to Studio54 for the very first time, Mike Myers pulls him out of a crowd of like 100 people - how convenient to the story; there is no struggle in getting in. What surprised me is that this place went to shit because of dodgy book work by the “accountant” and not the hundreds of thousands of dollars of drugs that went through the place. Mike Myers’ character is not particularly likable but you can tell in his position, that he HAS TO be like that. But Myers portrayed the character gloriously but we didn’t line up to watch only Mike Myers. RT says the story unfolds slowly but I think they added unneccessary characters and events to the story to pad it out (Salma Hayek and Breckin Meyer as a perfect example) which is a shame really ’cause I like Breckin Meyer. The fact that the father and Son did not get along after he searched for destiny should have either been developed further or not at all in the film. It might have worked as a shorter film. The operative word being might have. Then Neve Campbell comes along looking hotter than the sun and her character has no bearing on the story at all. She is a soap star who is trying to get ahead and has a fling with Phillippe. And then Phillippe is heart broken and they leave it there. Phillippe seems pretty uneffected by the whole event. Seems pretty fucking pointless.

Human Nature - 41%
It was produced by Spike Jonze and was written by Charlie Kaufman which would suggest this movie is a winner all over. Not to mention it stars Tim Robbins which would further add to the formula. God, I wish I could say this movie was good. But alas, it kinda sucks. There was mention and reference to Being John Malkvich but nothing in here except for one or two surreal scenes would ever really tread into that territory. There is something uncomfortable and unsettling about the very sexy Patricia Arquette having a body full of hair (which is unsexy). There was a 5 minute part in the film where all parts of the story gelled together which was absoultely fantastic and some funny moments, definately. But those few parts do not make up for the last hour of mostly potentially interesting but devastatingly crap movie. RT made this movie out to be much more than the actual execution of the film which is where most of my disappointment comes from.

Cold Souls - 81%
This sort of surreal comedy has been done before and in parts, done better than it has been done here but Paul Giamatti is the only thing from going having it go from 81% to ~20%. It comes together quite nicely and as a whole works well as you will find movies like this usually have moments rather than wholly enjoyable. It was great to see a satire about people and their extreme lifestyles which had some subtlty to. Giamatti’s character was well drawn and the situations played out in a sterile environment but also added to the situation. This was just an interesting spin on an old story of handing something over to someone to borrow and when you want it back they can not find it. Wish I could give it a higher rating but didn’t feel the heights of some previous movies of a similar nature.

Add a comment(2015 views)




ScreenJunkies

I tend to send links to myself where ever I am to remind myself to post it here. These are two links which seemed to have missed the boat somehow:
http://www.screenjun … ilms-you-should-know
I don’t know why they only selected 10, but there are better movies. Not only and that (and I know this sounds hypocritical if you remember back 50 odd posts ago) but why would he add them to a list if he has never actually watched them? He is basing his entire opinions on heresay which is retarded.
I would love to see Rubin & Ed as it looks to be right up my alley.

http://www.screenjun … -who-should-be-stars
Americans will laugh at just about anything. Some comedians are very funny but the ones mentioned in this list are not all funny. Nick Swardson was the only one from this list that I had seen his stand up routine (oh, and Oswald Patton). I had seen just about every other comedian in some movie or TV show.
If you read the posts by the endless list of tards who demonstrate the ever decline in humanity, someone googles comedian and goes, “These people also need their break…” and then post names of people who have been stars in film. Eg. Dane Cook.

Add a comment(2520 views)